So I'm just getting back from another vacation. A bit of a vacation from life, as it were. I take them sometimes and I'm not really sure why, but I definitely think it's some sort of depression rearing it's ugly head. Not of the clinical sort, mind you ... but just of the dissatisifed sort.

The thing that gets me is that I look around and feel like I really have nothing to be dissatisfied with. I have a job when lots of people don't, great friends, a great place to live ... no real worries. Yet, I feel like I deserve more. I feel like I deserve that ethereal brass ring, but that I don't know what it is. All I know is that this isn't it. I don't wake up in the morning and think to myself, "I love my life." and I don't know what it is that's missing. I think a lot of it has to do with not having a girlfriend ... I know that seems a little co-dependent, and it probably is, but I just don't feel complete without that special someone in my life. I find myself looking at women almost desperately now, like a child wanting to be adopted. It's emotional lust. It's so overwhelming that I don't even have an appetite for casual sex anymore. The horror!

It's got to be more than that though ... I mean, I'm not that bad. I know that there's something inside of me that's not been fully developed and I think it's my creative energy. The problem is, I'm too self-critical. I write, I act, I spin poi ... I do lots of artistic and creative things and love every one of them, but I never feel like I'm doing quite good enough, and get discouraged. The thing is, anything truly creative must always be judged objectively which means I will never be able to say, with proof, "this is good." That bugs me ... I like a measurement of things. Sounds like a self-confidence issue ... but, I think I think I'm cool. Who knows?

Anyway, I'm back from my vacation. It was 84 degrees and clear blue skies today ... sometimes I forget that I live in the place where OTHER people come to vacation.

Hee hee hee ... I shouldn't be laughing, yet I can't think of any other response. Some days, all you can do is just be happy that you're alive and not in jail!

So, here's what happened ... I was driving home yesterday trying to figure out what I wanted to do for Halloween. There was a good band playing about 30 minutes north of me, but I didn't want to drive. I thought about staying in and handing out candy, but was told we don't normally get kids. I even thought about just staying in and going to be early, and that option was actually in the lead! Then, I was listening to the radio on the way home and heard them mention this singles cruise they were throwing that night. They also played a song that I absolutely loved but didn't know, so I thought I would call them and ask them about both.

I called them, and not only did I get the name of the song (Madonna - Die Another Day), but I also got a free ticket to the cruise! So, I went to the radio station and picked up my ticket, and then headed down to the boat. As I was pulling in, I heard the DJ on the radio say that they were on their way down and that Tony the Tiger had just come to pick up a ticket. For the record, I was Tigger ... not Tony the Tiger! But, several people did say that they heard the mention, and it sparked quite a few conversations.

So, here I was. Alone, and on a boat full of attractive, scantily clad singles. Sometimes when I go out, I'm really extroverted but people take it the wrong way. Other times, I'm shy and quiet. Sometimes, I am just dead on ... and that's how I was last night. Although the cruise was only two hours long, I was a hit by the time I got off. Everyone knew me, the guys liked me, and the women wanted me. For the kid who was never "popular", moments like this are like heaven! I hopped into a pedicab with two girls from boat and we headed downtown to the cruise after party. All three of us were making out with each other as the bike made its way to the club, and people walking down the street were shouting and cheering for Tigger. By the time we got the club, I was kissing and feeling up one girl while the other was kissing my neck and giving me a hand job. I did say heaven, right?

Unfortunately, that's about all I remember of the evening. I woke up this morning in a parking lot near the water. Not in my car, just sleeping in the corner of the parking lot. I couldn't find my keys, but I still had my wallet and watch, so I wasn't robbed. My nose was incredibly sore, and my cheek was tight. I have a very fuzzy memory of my nose bleeding at one point. Did I get in a fight? I certainly don't know. I have a monster bruise on my thigh and tons of dirt and oil under my fingertips and on my hands. Weird. So, here I am ... a busted looking Tigger wandering around downtown at 7:00 in the morning trying to find a cab.

I bought a cup of coffee and did find a cab. He drove me all the way back to my house, where I had to break in and get my spare car key, and then he drove me back to my car. All in all, a $50 cab ride. Ouch. The driver was cool as shit though! He told me he only comes back to the states to work for 3 months at a time, and spends the rest of the time living in Thailand. He showed me naked pictures of his wife, and we talked about all of the wonderful benefits of marijuana. It was like something out of an awesome twilight zone.

Finally, I drove home and shot a quick e-mail to work letting them know I wouldn't be in before crashing into bed ... I finally got up about an hour ago. The radio show that sponsored the cruise comes on in about 45 minutes, and I will be anxiously listening to see if I'm mentioned. I hope they can fill in some of the gaps!

This is really my life, folks ... I couldn't make this up if I tried. =P

Ms. Astrology Person strikes again!

- Gemini -

Relax, watch, and don't expect things to stay the same. If your social life is not so good, it's time to do something about it – and you're very effective. Enjoy your environment, and you'll invite love into your life.


In other words, keep being true to myself and everything else will eventually fall into place. Hell, even if she didn't mean that, I'm going with it ... isn't that the point of horoscopes anyway?

I'm sick today ... I think I'm coming down with the flu, and it's a gray day outside. All I want to do is go home and curl up in front of a fire with a good book. I am such a woman. =P

Apparantly, I have some sort of coffee-shop-girl thing. I don't know what it is, but I always seem to strike up the most perfect conversations with women working behind the counter at coffee shops. Unfortunately, they haven't worked out too well ... yet. I was driving home from work today, and stopped at a Starbucks I'd never been to before for no other reason than the light was red, and it was easier to make a left than go straight. I walk in to find two of the most attractive women I have ever seen standing behind the counter. They were smart. They were outgoing. They were friendly. Did I mention that they were attractive? It was like a perfect little four minutes of bliss ... hot women, good conversation and a steaming triple mocha. Then as I was walking out the door I could hear, "he was cute!" Fuck ... do you know what this means? To keep up with all of my coffee chicks, I now have to go the coffee shop three times a day. Once in the morning to the one near my house, once before the drive near where I work, and again to the one near my house in the evening. Not only am I going to go broke, I'm a little concerned about the impact of all of this caffeine on my system. I've thought about going for Chai, but would you have sexual thoughts about a guy drinking Chai? I didn't think so.

I've been meeting lots of people lately that seem like they are cool, but most have turned out to be just like everyone else. I suppose you've got to sift through the clutter to find the truly special in life, but I have to admit that I'm getting a little sick of the clutter. I love the advantages that a wide and varied group of friends has, but I also miss having an "inner circle" nearby. Fall is here and Winter is right around the corner. These are cozy seasons, and I want to be surrounded by people that I can be cozy with. Not intimately cozy, but simply relaxed and ultimately comfortable. Not only are these people hard to find, but I'm also separating myself from the things I'm close to that I shouldn't be, which has left me feeling a bit alone. Not lonely, just alone. The cool acquaintances that I have are more than enough to keep me busy and smiling, but I definitely have my eye towards developing relationships with a little more meat to them. More than anything, I'm feeling more and more like I'm keeping the healthy things close, and pushing the unhealthy away ... that's the most important thing to me right now.

Tomorrow I go north to hear a friend DJ a club (it's his first professional gig) and then come back later that night or Friday morning for work. Not sure what's going on for this weekend, but the hot receptionist at work and I did discuss watching football on Sunday. Now all I have to do is learn the rules! Hee hee ... I love me. =P

I've never been big into horoscopes, but sometimes they just "nail it" so perfectly, that it's a bit freaky. I was getting my coffee this morning, and saw this taped to the register:


- Gemini -

Stand tall, and face whatever comes your way. Friends have no idea how important your work is to you unless you tell them to stop interrupting. You encourage others to be nicer to themselves - you should take your own advice.


Well, thank you Ms. Astrology Person ... I think I'll do just that.

Sometimes, I think I should just give up. I know that there are a lot of things that I don't do that I should, and that there a lot of things that I do do that I shouldn't. I'm not perfect, but I also know that I really do make an effort to make people happy as often as I can. When I go out into the world, there is always a smile on my face, and a willingness to help people or go the extra mile for them. I'm outgoing and honest and unashamed and a genuine "good guy". I'm attractive and intriguing, smart and successful, and funny most of the time. Supposedly, I have all of the right things going for me.

But sometimes it feels like that for all that I put out into the world I don't get much back. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr here, but I wish I had that feeling of reciprocity. Instead of feeling like I'm getting back what I give to the world, I find myself feeling more and more drained. I'mn beginning to empathize with the people that have just stopped giving and disappeared within themselves, and it scares me. If there's one thing I know, it's that I don't want to be one of those people. To fight this, I try harder and only end up feeling more frustrated.

I'm not even sure what the problem is. I know that I'm an incredibly atypical guy, so I know that that throws people off. I also know that I sometimes get nervous in new situations, especially with women, and that I can get a little tongue-tied. I'm also prone to letting people walk on me, and to writing an e-mail instead of picking up the phone. These are all things that I know get in the way of me interacting with people the way that I want to, but I don't believe for a minute that, even in aggregate, they are enough to be fully standing in the way.

So, what is it then? What is it that keeps such an available man single? What is that keeps me tied to relationships that only serve to hurt me and also stands in the way when I try to form new ones? Is it something on my end, or on the part of the world? It's funny, I've spent the past few months feeling so good about returning to "myself", but am now finding myself doubtful. I put up a personal ad a couple of months ago that described exactly who I was ... It wasn't over the top, but just a really good description of me. I was curious to see what kind of people I would attract when all of the interference of the outside world was taken away and they were just seeing me for me. The answer is that I attracted no one. In two months, I didn't get one single response. Sure, you can chalk it up to all sorts of things and I'm not going to let it ruin my life, but it's still a pretty powerful fact. What upsets me the most is that I went on the site tonight and changed my profile. In essence, I was changing my description of myself to attract more people. Is this really what the world is all about?

Perhaps I have been a bit of a martyr ... refusing to play the game but complaining about the results at the same time. Still, I don't think it's so wrong to want the best of both worlds. I want to be true to who I am, but I want to find people who see and respect the magic in that. I know I'm a good guy, and an even better friend/lover. The question is how to present myself in way that inspires people to see this for themselves. It's not just that I want people to appreciate the things that I do, but also that I want them to appreciate who I am.

Blah blah blah ... just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Life really does continue to go very well, and this is my only complaint of the moment. I guess I'm feeling like I've found where I want to be within myself and now I'm wondering how to get to where I want to be within the world. Unfortunately, there are a lot more variable in the latter problem, and many of them are beyond my control. At the very least, maybe this will keep me on my toes about tending to the things I *can* control.

Off to bed with me ... have a great week!

Wow ... where the fuck have I been? :)

OK, so I guess I forgot that I even had a blog for a while. Sorry, I didn't mean to leave you in the lurch! Let's catch up and see what's going on in the life of me ...

I've been on a total sushi kick lately. I made some new friends through the Burning Man community, and we've been alternating between their town and mine with some other friends hitting up all the good sushi places. I've put more raw fish into my stomach in one sitting than can possibly healthy. Still, I can't shake the craving. We've been doing these little outings on Friday nights, which I find to be a great end to the week. A friend and I were discussing it and realized that after working for a full week, it's just too much to go crazy on Friday. I think the people that do are just so dissatisfied with their jobs that they are looking to force the weekend. I'd much rather relax and do something chill on Friday so that I'm ready to go on Saturdays.

Ah, Saturdays ... two weekends ago I went to amazing party about north of me. Not only did I have a great time, but I had a freakishly random encounter. Back in the day, I used to spend quite a bit more of my social time online. I met a girl from Michigan online that I became somewhat close to, and one weekend around the time of my birthday I actually flew out to see her (well, to have sex with her ... but you know what I mean :) ). I hadn't seen her since then, and hadn't even talked to her online in months but there she was, at this party with people she didn't know. Apparantly, she was also close with some other "online" people that live here and these people also knew the people throwing the party, yadda yadda yadda - there she was. I felt bad because I know she really wanted to catch up, but I didn't want to spend the whole party talking to her. I kind of blew her off at the party, and didn't call in the next few days like I said I would. I know, I'm a schmuck ... sue me. Just remind me of this the next time I complain about not being able to get a date. :)

This past weekend I went to a slamming party up in LA, and then to Disneyland (on shrooms :) ) the next day. All I have to say is "WOW" ... Walt doesn't fuck around! I saw some of the most amazing art and set decoration I've ever encountered, and that's not just the shrooms talking. If you're in the area, I highly recommend The Nightmare Before Christmas mansion (it's the haunted house, converted for the Hallowenn/Xmas season). Everything was just as amazing and I was like a little kid because it was my first time there. It's been 20 years since I've even been to the one on the East Coast!

Work is still going well, although I've definitely settled into a pattern. The "new challenges" are growing further and further apart so it gets a little boring from time to time, but I've become good friends with the accountant who sits next to me, so we keep each other laughing all day. She's a hottie too ... too bad she's married. Oh, here's something funny from work - they've all taken to calling me "Harry Potter". I never really thought about it before, but I do kind of look him. Every time I fix something, someone shouts out "50 points for Gryffndor!". You know me ... I fucking love it. :) I just finished mixing my second CD ... it's an inspired little set called "Stoned". It's very bassy and floats from hard house to drum n' bass to trance and back again ... I'm trying to expand my horizons instead of getting too focused on trance. I'd like to do one more (a chill set) and give the boxed set as Christmas gifts. Since I'm not very artsy-craftsy, I've never been able to give something I made as a gift, so I'm psyched that I'll finally get a chance to.

My only complaint at this moment is a lack of female companionship. It's not a sex thing so much as a someone-to-cuddle-with-and-talk-to thing. I have some of my coolest moments and thoughts when I'm just sitting at home relaxing and playing with music or whatever, and it'd be nice to have someone there to share them with. My roommates are great, but the male/female connection is just different than the male/male one. One thing I'm refusing to do though is to settle. I don't want to jump into a serious relationship, and I don't want to hang out with someone I don't totally click with. That narrows my field and makes it harder in the short-term, but I think it will be worth it in the long run. I'm not worried about it, just conscious of it ... :)

I'm getting better and better at letting things go, and not letting other people or life stress me out. It's occuring to me that I cannot change the world ... it's going to give me what it wants whether I like it or not. What I can do is manage my expectations and my interactions with the world to avoid dissapointment. This is proving to be a much more viable theory than being angry every time thing don't behave as I believe they should. I still get frustrated here and there, but I get over it quickly. For the most part, I believe it's my choice to be dissapointed or not ... if choose to stay involved in something, they I can't complain about how that thing is.

I'm off to help Elena with some wiring (yes WIRING, not plumbing :) ) ... have a wonderful night!