Odd Man Out

2003-01-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

So I'm just getting back from another vacation. A bit of a vacation from life, as it were. I take them sometimes and I'm not really sure why, but I definitely think it's some sort of depression rearing it's ugly head. Not of the clinical sort, mind you ... but just of the dissatisifed sort.

The thing that gets me is that I look around and feel like I really have nothing to be dissatisfied with. I have a job when lots of people don't, great friends, a great place to live ... no real worries. Yet, I feel like I deserve more. I feel like I deserve that ethereal brass ring, but that I don't know what it is. All I know is that this isn't it. I don't wake up in the morning and think to myself, "I love my life." and I don't know what it is that's missing. I think a lot of it has to do with not having a girlfriend ... I know that seems a little co-dependent, and it probably is, but I just don't feel complete without that special someone in my life. I find myself looking at women almost desperately now, like a child wanting to be adopted. It's emotional lust. It's so overwhelming that I don't even have an appetite for casual sex anymore. The horror!

It's got to be more than that though ... I mean, I'm not that bad. I know that there's something inside of me that's not been fully developed and I think it's my creative energy. The problem is, I'm too self-critical. I write, I act, I spin poi ... I do lots of artistic and creative things and love every one of them, but I never feel like I'm doing quite good enough, and get discouraged. The thing is, anything truly creative must always be judged objectively which means I will never be able to say, with proof, "this is good." That bugs me ... I like a measurement of things. Sounds like a self-confidence issue ... but, I think I think I'm cool. Who knows?

Anyway, I'm back from my vacation. It was 84 degrees and clear blue skies today ... sometimes I forget that I live in the place where OTHER people come to vacation.

2002-11-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

Hee hee hee ... I shouldn't be laughing, yet I can't think of any other response. Some days, all you can do is just be happy that you're alive and not in jail!

So, here's what happened ... I was driving home yesterday trying to figure out what I wanted to do for Halloween. There was a good band playing about 30 minutes north of me, but I didn't want to drive. I thought about staying in and handing out candy, but was told we don't normally get kids. I even thought about just staying in and going to be early, and that option was actually in the lead! Then, I was listening to the radio on the way home and heard them mention this singles cruise they were throwing that night. They also played a song that I absolutely loved but didn't know, so I thought I would call them and ask them about both.

I called them, and not only did I get the name of the song (Madonna - Die Another Day), but I also got a free ticket to the cruise! So, I went to the radio station and picked up my ticket, and then headed down to the boat. As I was pulling in, I heard the DJ on the radio say that they were on their way down and that Tony the Tiger had just come to pick up a ticket. For the record, I was Tigger ... not Tony the Tiger! But, several people did say that they heard the mention, and it sparked quite a few conversations.

So, here I was. Alone, and on a boat full of attractive, scantily clad singles. Sometimes when I go out, I'm really extroverted but people take it the wrong way. Other times, I'm shy and quiet. Sometimes, I am just dead on ... and that's how I was last night. Although the cruise was only two hours long, I was a hit by the time I got off. Everyone knew me, the guys liked me, and the women wanted me. For the kid who was never "popular", moments like this are like heaven! I hopped into a pedicab with two girls from boat and we headed downtown to the cruise after party. All three of us were making out with each other as the bike made its way to the club, and people walking down the street were shouting and cheering for Tigger. By the time we got the club, I was kissing and feeling up one girl while the other was kissing my neck and giving me a hand job. I did say heaven, right?

Unfortunately, that's about all I remember of the evening. I woke up this morning in a parking lot near the water. Not in my car, just sleeping in the corner of the parking lot. I couldn't find my keys, but I still had my wallet and watch, so I wasn't robbed. My nose was incredibly sore, and my cheek was tight. I have a very fuzzy memory of my nose bleeding at one point. Did I get in a fight? I certainly don't know. I have a monster bruise on my thigh and tons of dirt and oil under my fingertips and on my hands. Weird. So, here I am ... a busted looking Tigger wandering around downtown at 7:00 in the morning trying to find a cab.

I bought a cup of coffee and did find a cab. He drove me all the way back to my house, where I had to break in and get my spare car key, and then he drove me back to my car. All in all, a $50 cab ride. Ouch. The driver was cool as shit though! He told me he only comes back to the states to work for 3 months at a time, and spends the rest of the time living in Thailand. He showed me naked pictures of his wife, and we talked about all of the wonderful benefits of marijuana. It was like something out of an awesome twilight zone.

Finally, I drove home and shot a quick e-mail to work letting them know I wouldn't be in before crashing into bed ... I finally got up about an hour ago. The radio show that sponsored the cruise comes on in about 45 minutes, and I will be anxiously listening to see if I'm mentioned. I hope they can fill in some of the gaps!

This is really my life, folks ... I couldn't make this up if I tried. =P

2002-10-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

Ms. Astrology Person strikes again!

- Gemini -

Relax, watch, and don't expect things to stay the same. If your social life is not so good, it's time to do something about it – and you're very effective. Enjoy your environment, and you'll invite love into your life.

In other words, keep being true to myself and everything else will eventually fall into place. Hell, even if she didn't mean that, I'm going with it ... isn't that the point of horoscopes anyway?

I'm sick today ... I think I'm coming down with the flu, and it's a gray day outside. All I want to do is go home and curl up in front of a fire with a good book. I am such a woman. =P

2002-10-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

Apparantly, I have some sort of coffee-shop-girl thing. I don't know what it is, but I always seem to strike up the most perfect conversations with women working behind the counter at coffee shops. Unfortunately, they haven't worked out too well ... yet. I was driving home from work today, and stopped at a Starbucks I'd never been to before for no other reason than the light was red, and it was easier to make a left than go straight. I walk in to find two of the most attractive women I have ever seen standing behind the counter. They were smart. They were outgoing. They were friendly. Did I mention that they were attractive? It was like a perfect little four minutes of bliss ... hot women, good conversation and a steaming triple mocha. Then as I was walking out the door I could hear, "he was cute!" Fuck ... do you know what this means? To keep up with all of my coffee chicks, I now have to go the coffee shop three times a day. Once in the morning to the one near my house, once before the drive near where I work, and again to the one near my house in the evening. Not only am I going to go broke, I'm a little concerned about the impact of all of this caffeine on my system. I've thought about going for Chai, but would you have sexual thoughts about a guy drinking Chai? I didn't think so.

I've been meeting lots of people lately that seem like they are cool, but most have turned out to be just like everyone else. I suppose you've got to sift through the clutter to find the truly special in life, but I have to admit that I'm getting a little sick of the clutter. I love the advantages that a wide and varied group of friends has, but I also miss having an "inner circle" nearby. Fall is here and Winter is right around the corner. These are cozy seasons, and I want to be surrounded by people that I can be cozy with. Not intimately cozy, but simply relaxed and ultimately comfortable. Not only are these people hard to find, but I'm also separating myself from the things I'm close to that I shouldn't be, which has left me feeling a bit alone. Not lonely, just alone. The cool acquaintances that I have are more than enough to keep me busy and smiling, but I definitely have my eye towards developing relationships with a little more meat to them. More than anything, I'm feeling more and more like I'm keeping the healthy things close, and pushing the unhealthy away ... that's the most important thing to me right now.

Tomorrow I go north to hear a friend DJ a club (it's his first professional gig) and then come back later that night or Friday morning for work. Not sure what's going on for this weekend, but the hot receptionist at work and I did discuss watching football on Sunday. Now all I have to do is learn the rules! Hee hee ... I love me. =P

2002-10-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

I've never been big into horoscopes, but sometimes they just "nail it" so perfectly, that it's a bit freaky. I was getting my coffee this morning, and saw this taped to the register:

- Gemini -

Stand tall, and face whatever comes your way. Friends have no idea how important your work is to you unless you tell them to stop interrupting. You encourage others to be nicer to themselves - you should take your own advice.

Well, thank you Ms. Astrology Person ... I think I'll do just that.

2002-10-14T01:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I think I should just give up. I know that there are a lot of things that I don't do that I should, and that there a lot of things that I do do that I shouldn't. I'm not perfect, but I also know that I really do make an effort to make people happy as often as I can. When I go out into the world, there is always a smile on my face, and a willingness to help people or go the extra mile for them. I'm outgoing and honest and unashamed and a genuine "good guy". I'm attractive and intriguing, smart and successful, and funny most of the time. Supposedly, I have all of the right things going for me.

But sometimes it feels like that for all that I put out into the world I don't get much back. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr here, but I wish I had that feeling of reciprocity. Instead of feeling like I'm getting back what I give to the world, I find myself feeling more and more drained. I'mn beginning to empathize with the people that have just stopped giving and disappeared within themselves, and it scares me. If there's one thing I know, it's that I don't want to be one of those people. To fight this, I try harder and only end up feeling more frustrated.

I'm not even sure what the problem is. I know that I'm an incredibly atypical guy, so I know that that throws people off. I also know that I sometimes get nervous in new situations, especially with women, and that I can get a little tongue-tied. I'm also prone to letting people walk on me, and to writing an e-mail instead of picking up the phone. These are all things that I know get in the way of me interacting with people the way that I want to, but I don't believe for a minute that, even in aggregate, they are enough to be fully standing in the way.

So, what is it then? What is it that keeps such an available man single? What is that keeps me tied to relationships that only serve to hurt me and also stands in the way when I try to form new ones? Is it something on my end, or on the part of the world? It's funny, I've spent the past few months feeling so good about returning to "myself", but am now finding myself doubtful. I put up a personal ad a couple of months ago that described exactly who I was ... It wasn't over the top, but just a really good description of me. I was curious to see what kind of people I would attract when all of the interference of the outside world was taken away and they were just seeing me for me. The answer is that I attracted no one. In two months, I didn't get one single response. Sure, you can chalk it up to all sorts of things and I'm not going to let it ruin my life, but it's still a pretty powerful fact. What upsets me the most is that I went on the site tonight and changed my profile. In essence, I was changing my description of myself to attract more people. Is this really what the world is all about?

Perhaps I have been a bit of a martyr ... refusing to play the game but complaining about the results at the same time. Still, I don't think it's so wrong to want the best of both worlds. I want to be true to who I am, but I want to find people who see and respect the magic in that. I know I'm a good guy, and an even better friend/lover. The question is how to present myself in way that inspires people to see this for themselves. It's not just that I want people to appreciate the things that I do, but also that I want them to appreciate who I am.

Blah blah blah ... just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Life really does continue to go very well, and this is my only complaint of the moment. I guess I'm feeling like I've found where I want to be within myself and now I'm wondering how to get to where I want to be within the world. Unfortunately, there are a lot more variable in the latter problem, and many of them are beyond my control. At the very least, maybe this will keep me on my toes about tending to the things I *can* control.

Off to bed with me ... have a great week!

2002-10-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

Wow ... where the fuck have I been? :)

OK, so I guess I forgot that I even had a blog for a while. Sorry, I didn't mean to leave you in the lurch! Let's catch up and see what's going on in the life of me ...

I've been on a total sushi kick lately. I made some new friends through the Burning Man community, and we've been alternating between their town and mine with some other friends hitting up all the good sushi places. I've put more raw fish into my stomach in one sitting than can possibly healthy. Still, I can't shake the craving. We've been doing these little outings on Friday nights, which I find to be a great end to the week. A friend and I were discussing it and realized that after working for a full week, it's just too much to go crazy on Friday. I think the people that do are just so dissatisfied with their jobs that they are looking to force the weekend. I'd much rather relax and do something chill on Friday so that I'm ready to go on Saturdays.

Ah, Saturdays ... two weekends ago I went to amazing party about north of me. Not only did I have a great time, but I had a freakishly random encounter. Back in the day, I used to spend quite a bit more of my social time online. I met a girl from Michigan online that I became somewhat close to, and one weekend around the time of my birthday I actually flew out to see her (well, to have sex with her ... but you know what I mean :) ). I hadn't seen her since then, and hadn't even talked to her online in months but there she was, at this party with people she didn't know. Apparantly, she was also close with some other "online" people that live here and these people also knew the people throwing the party, yadda yadda yadda - there she was. I felt bad because I know she really wanted to catch up, but I didn't want to spend the whole party talking to her. I kind of blew her off at the party, and didn't call in the next few days like I said I would. I know, I'm a schmuck ... sue me. Just remind me of this the next time I complain about not being able to get a date. :)

This past weekend I went to a slamming party up in LA, and then to Disneyland (on shrooms :) ) the next day. All I have to say is "WOW" ... Walt doesn't fuck around! I saw some of the most amazing art and set decoration I've ever encountered, and that's not just the shrooms talking. If you're in the area, I highly recommend The Nightmare Before Christmas mansion (it's the haunted house, converted for the Hallowenn/Xmas season). Everything was just as amazing and I was like a little kid because it was my first time there. It's been 20 years since I've even been to the one on the East Coast!

Work is still going well, although I've definitely settled into a pattern. The "new challenges" are growing further and further apart so it gets a little boring from time to time, but I've become good friends with the accountant who sits next to me, so we keep each other laughing all day. She's a hottie too ... too bad she's married. Oh, here's something funny from work - they've all taken to calling me "Harry Potter". I never really thought about it before, but I do kind of look him. Every time I fix something, someone shouts out "50 points for Gryffndor!". You know me ... I fucking love it. :) I just finished mixing my second CD ... it's an inspired little set called "Stoned". It's very bassy and floats from hard house to drum n' bass to trance and back again ... I'm trying to expand my horizons instead of getting too focused on trance. I'd like to do one more (a chill set) and give the boxed set as Christmas gifts. Since I'm not very artsy-craftsy, I've never been able to give something I made as a gift, so I'm psyched that I'll finally get a chance to.

My only complaint at this moment is a lack of female companionship. It's not a sex thing so much as a someone-to-cuddle-with-and-talk-to thing. I have some of my coolest moments and thoughts when I'm just sitting at home relaxing and playing with music or whatever, and it'd be nice to have someone there to share them with. My roommates are great, but the male/female connection is just different than the male/male one. One thing I'm refusing to do though is to settle. I don't want to jump into a serious relationship, and I don't want to hang out with someone I don't totally click with. That narrows my field and makes it harder in the short-term, but I think it will be worth it in the long run. I'm not worried about it, just conscious of it ... :)

I'm getting better and better at letting things go, and not letting other people or life stress me out. It's occuring to me that I cannot change the world ... it's going to give me what it wants whether I like it or not. What I can do is manage my expectations and my interactions with the world to avoid dissapointment. This is proving to be a much more viable theory than being angry every time thing don't behave as I believe they should. I still get frustrated here and there, but I get over it quickly. For the most part, I believe it's my choice to be dissapointed or not ... if choose to stay involved in something, they I can't complain about how that thing is.

I'm off to help Elena with some wiring (yes WIRING, not plumbing :) ) ... have a wonderful night!

2002-09-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey … I’m just full of all sorts of random Friday thoughts:

I’ve determined that the shower is the crescendo of any morning … the cathartic event that signals the transition from a night ending to a day beginning. When I wake up, my day hasn’t really started. I putter around, smoke a cigarette, maybe check in on Matt and Katie or whatever other little odds and ends I see a need to do in my travels. Finally, I end up in the bathroom. Teeth brushed, and a blast of Fresh Mint Listerine swishing around my mouth, I enter the shower. For that 15 minutes, I am in some sort of limbo. I never really think of anything of consequence, and even if I did I’m sure it would be promptly forgotten. When the water is off, the door opens to a blast of cold air from the rapid evaporation of the water droplets from my skin. There’s no turning back at this point. I begin to officially look forward and plan my day. This is supported by the fact that when I want to have a “lazy day”, finding the motivation to take a shower is sometimes the hardest part of my day. I don’t want to let that comfort go … I don’t want to reach the point of planning ahead, but rather enjoy the meandering in the lazy reality of the moment-to-moment.

I had a date last night. It was a stereotypical date right down to my Hugo Boss outfit and pint of beer at the local mainstream brewhouse, surrounded by a sea of twenty-somethings enjoying Happy Hour together like some sort of ritual. It’s almost as if they don’t anything else. Fortunately, my date and I both agreed that this what not our regular scene, but that it’s just one of those things that you have to do on the first date. Being on the same page with her made the overall experience much more pleasurable. “Trendy” is much less intimidating when bucking the trend is accepted and encouraged in close company. We laughed at the people, played with the few kids eating dinner, and laughed at the waiter who tried to force us to eat because we were taking a table in his section. I like that I can blend in to any situation and make it a good time, but I like it even more that I’ve reached a point in my life where I no longer have to. As for the date itself, it was a good time but the girl is a bit of a train wreck. I think we could have fun together, but I don’t see much more than that. If you’ve been keeping track of my current attitude on romance in general, you’ll realize that this is perfectly fine by me. The lower the maintenance and risk, the better … at least for now. Of course, you all know me well enough to know that I could very easily pop up tomorrow and scream, “I’m in love!”

I’ve been listening to the new Eminem CD all morning, and I find that it’s really growing me. Until now, I had claimed that The Marshall Mathers LP (his last CD) was not only one of my favorite of all time, but that it was Eminem’s best work. There is a lot of depth to this CD that I might have missed the first time. I’m trying to give it a fair evaluation, but the last person I debated the merits of this CD with turned out to be a total asshole and there’s a subliminal resistance to agreeing with him on anything. Silly, I know … but hey, have I ever claimed to be anything different?

I came up with an idea for next compilation last night and I plan starting work on it tonight. It’s only a title and a theme, but I’m one of these people that can use those simple elements as the perfect driver for all of the components … at least I hope I am.

Okay, I think I’m done … hey, I told you I had nothing but random thoughts! Have a great weekend!

2002-09-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey … how is life out there? Things are going well here – especially for a Monday. It’s been slow and steady all day, and it’s kind of nice to just feel at an even pace. Not too much down time, and not too much running.

In fact, I’ve been noticing that sort of trend permeate my life recently. I think that for a while there I was almost like a child. Everything – even the simple silly things – seemed so new to me that it was all incredibly exciting. I find that I’m feeling a bit settled down from that, but still feeling very content.

In contrast to last weekend, I laid very low this weekend. I was home both Friday and Saturday nights, and was productive during the day on Saturday. Not to worry though, I did allow myself a wee bit of diversion on Sunday when I got a call from my roomie to join him and a friend for Bloody Mary’s at a local bar. They both work night shift at a hospital and we’re just getting off. I, being me, promptly arrived at the bar in my pajamas and had a blast until we moved the party back to our place and had margaritas on the roof overlooking the ocean. It was a great time, despite the fact that I passed out sometime around 4:00 in the afternoon and have a wicked sunburn today. I’m not a drinker to begin with, and the meds I’m on effectively triple the impact of booze, so I’m an incredible lightweight. For that reason (and my somewhat unpredictable behavior when I’m drunk!) I rarely drink when I go out. So, it was nice to be in the safety of my own house and get a little buzz on.

Besides that, there hasn’t been a whole lot going on. I have to admit though that I’ve been thinking a lot about my “girls” … maybe it’s their contrast to my friends here, or maybe it’s just their actual distance away finally getting to me, but I’ve been missing them a lot lately. I’m going home for Christmas, and one of the highlights will definitely be seeing them.

That’s it for me … I’m going home to enjoy another beautiful sunset. It really is the best part of my day. :)

2002-09-19T17:29:00.000-07:00

Hello world!

I just wanted to pop in and let you all know that I'm still here, and things are still going great for me. I've got lots of things going on personally and professionally, and it's just been keeping me busy, thoughtful, and away from the computer. Basically, the euphoria of returning to my normal self has subsided just a bit as I realize that not every event or interaction I have is going to be sunshine and rainbows. But that, as they say, is life and I'm dealing and processing and plugging along like everyone else does and that's the most important thing of all.

Love ya, miss ya, bye!

2002-09-15T23:56:00.000-07:00

Wow.

I had an amazing weekend. The actual events ranged from phenomonal to horrible, but its not the events that made the weekend, it's all of the things that I took away from it without even realizing.

When I had my little meltdown over the summer, it was not without it's hidden perks. One of the biggest (and most ironic) was the inherent and amazing opportunity that was given to me when I was at the lowest point of the ordeal. There I am, alone and completely devoid of any and all spirit ... my body was alive, but the depression had just worked me so hard mentally that you would have seen nothing but black space in what were once (and are again, thank you very much!) bright, vibrant eyes. As I started putting myself back together, I realized that I was full of empty spaces and that I had no idea what to put there. I had gotten so accustomed to just allowing myself to be redfined but what I thought would please other people or filling gaps with what I wanted to be as opposed to who I was that when it came time to find the real pieces I didn't even know where to start looking. That's when it hit me that I had a chance to do something that I would only be able to do in this state. I could completely start-over ... I could rebuild myself from top to bottom with the confidence that being true to myself couldn't be worse than where I was, and the absence of any temptation to borrow other people's definitions.

So, I did. I wasn't working, I didn't have any friends to hang out with, or money to afford it if I did, so all I had was nothing but free time. Not to mention that I had a psychiatrist at my disposal once a week who could check my work, so to speak. I don't need to give you the whole process, but I basically spent almost two full months performing a little self-examination of my life. It was like reorganizing a file cabinet. What was my shit, I kept and organized. Everybody else's shit and anything that looked like something I threw in there because I wanted to file it but never got around to it, I threw away.

By the time rejoined the real world, I felt very confident and grounded in who was. I've felt confident before, but it's been a long time (if ever) that I have felt truly grounded. Knowing that the only place I had to look for answers was at myself left me feeling very empowered and relaxed, and I think that immediately showed through in my job and my social life. I've made no secret that I've been really happy these past few weeks, and I definitely think it's because I have the feeling that I know who I am and that I am proud of that person.

But jobs and social calendars are easy and superficial and rarely even get to the level of who you really are. What I was afraid of were the real encounters where my knowledge and trust in myself would really matter. Even though I knew I wasn't carrying anyone else's baggage around, I just really wanted to be sure that I wasn't trying again to be something I wasn't. That's definitely the worst of the traps I've fallen into, and the one I fear the most. Not only is it the most disorienting, but it's also the most damaging. So, despite the fact that every way I looked at it I feel like I'm in a really good space, and that every way my doctor looked at it he felt like I was in a really good space, I wanted at least some proof before I could relax.

And then this weekend rolled along and turned into this random, disconnected hodgepodge of activities and vibes. When I got home, I laid down and was sort of letting my mind wander back through the weekend. To my surprise, I didn't find myself settling on the events themselves but on what I took away from them that was personal to me. All throughout the weekend, I was having these experiences where I would say, "Such and such happened, and it really means a lot to me because ...", but it wasn't until I looked at the weekend as a whole that I realized how they all strung together. They were all moments were I was given a chance to see myself through eyes other than my own. They were all opportunties to see who I am outside of myself.

For example, a new friend of mine randomly gave me a gift (the kind of gift that has to go to a certain kind of person) just for being me. His description of his gut impression of me as person was almost exactly how I know myself to be, and it absolutely made my night. I admire this guy a lot, so it was definitely meaningful to me to receive a symbol of admiration from him, but I was more moved (little did he know) by the fact that someone I would expect to have an excellent read on people got from me exactly what I intended to give. Then, I found myself at a party that I didn't want to be at and that had a vibe I couldn't stand. I bitched about it for a while, but then I decided that I would bring my good vibe to the party instead of letting the party bring it's bad vibe to me. It was frustrating, and not always well received, but I powered through. I was spinning poi and starting random conversations with people, being generally hyperoutgoing and friendly. After a little while of this, I was really starting to meet some cool people, all of whom were bringing their own spark as well. It's almost as if that type of energy draws itself together. If I had kept sulking, they would have never even noticed me and I never would have noticed them. I was very happy to leave, but was also very happy I served to better a situation rather than just be lazy and stubborn and complain about it being bad. (I'll admit that drugs might have helped a lot for this one, but that's what they're there for, right? :) ). And finally, I ended up having to make an on the spot decision about something where the decision not only had to be the right one, but it had to be based entirely on how, me being the person I am, would instinctively react to something I couldn't control (kind of like a red pill/blue pill thing). I could have easily taken the safe route, but my gut told me to go for it and I had a really good feeling of where it would leave me. When all was said and done, I was right where I expected to be. I've gotten in trouble with overestimating myself before, so it's very important to me that I can realisitcally look at myself and anticipate my reactions in life. I very much needed this experience.

Can you see why I think that I was put on the path of this weekend with intent? I've written far more than I ever intended to, but I've still only given you the highlights. In ways that I never even expected, and in some cases, didn't even realize until after the fact, this weekend just kept handing me things that I needed and I kept taking them. Some were so perfect that they took my breath away, and some were so bad that I could almost feel it physically, and it seemed like I couldn't find one vibe to just ride the whole weekend. Now I know why ... the randomness was a guise throw me off the scent, but it's plain to me now that every single thing that happened needed to happen for one reason or another. I needed to be in all of those different spaces in order see all of the different things I saw. Even though it appeared random, this weekend has left me feeling not only more grounded, but has really inspired that last bit of faith in me. I finally feel some closure on the long-process of putting myself back together. I suppose the next step is to try and improve upon the foundation, but I think I might just take a break and enjoy being me for a while ... it's been a long time.

This actually began as a one-liner to say that I had an amazing weekend, but that I wanted to keep it to myself to make sure that it stayed special. Really, I only wanted to tag the day so that when I'm 50 years old and reading back through my blog and laughing about that psedu-hippie, deep, spiritual phase I was going through in good 'ol 2002, I would remember it when I saw it. But then I started writing it and it just seemed to come. It really was an amazing weekend, but it was so special that it's almost like I couldn't keep it all to myself ... I think that something that makes you feel that good should be spread around. And the funny thing is that I barely edited anything I wrote and feel like I gave exactly what I needed to give, and kept exactly what I needed to keep without even thinking about it.

Heh, at this rate you'll see an entry from me tomorrow about how excited I am that the tires on my car are in perfect alignment... So, maybe it is a pseudo-hippie, deep, spiritual phase ... but fuck it, it's working for me so I'm going with it. :)

Have a beautiful week!

2002-09-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

Man, now that was a crazy night … just as it should be! There are so many elements to talk about that I don’t even know where to begin.

First, there was a decompression party at this really cool little dive bar that had a turnout of about 100 people. A decompression party is what Burners do when they’re not on the Playa to relive a little of the spirit and share some memories. There were pictures and video, and a fucking awesome DJ. There was even a surprise guest from LA, known only as “Big Daddy”. One look at this guy, and it’s apparent why he’s got that nickname. Not only is he big in size, but he’s big in presence. Best of all though, he has one of the most amazing and interesting personalities of anyone I’ve met in a while. I think I’m going to another decompression in LA tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing him.

Anyway, a small group of us headed back to my place after the bar closed and hung out some more. We started out as about 8 and then shrunk down to a cozy little group of 4, and I was having a blast. Some good drugs, good people, good music and good conversation – totally my vibe. Then, at about 3:00am, a group of about 10 comes rolling in and the vibe instantly changes. The only way to describe it is that it was “jarring”. It’s not that I’m not down for a late night rumble, it’s just that I was settled into a completely different space … make sense? Anyway, I did adjust just fine and we kept on rolling (not literally!) straight through 5:30 this morning. Elena and I grabbed an hour or so of sleep, and then had to go get her car before I came into work. I ended up being a half-hour early, and here I am powering through with my eye focused keenly on the clock.

Elena and I talked a little bit last night about some of the shit that went down, and then realized that it’s just not something that’s worth talking about. I don’t care how I got to where I am or what happened along the way, what I care about is enjoying the present and protecting the future so that’s where I’m going to put my energies. I think she agrees with me as well. I said, “There are things that I wish you would have done differently, just as I’m sure there are things that you wish I had done differently. But, we cannot have effect on those notions. All I know is that I love you so much, and I’m so happy you’re in my life … let’s just enjoy that and move forward. Clean slates are good things … sometimes it’s better to not try and fix something but just to acknowledge that it was bad and leave it in the past.

As we slept in the wee hours of the morning, I ran my fingertips through her hair and across her back as I have done so many mornings before and I have to tell you that, even now, it felt completely good and natural. I wanted to kiss her … to touch her, but I again resisted the temptation. What was nicest was that we went seamlessly from this shared personal moment to talk of recent things we’ve done with people other than each other, and there was no awkwardness to it. Two friends enjoying time spent together, and stories of time spent apart – with mutual love and admiration for both situations. This is what I always wanted us to be.

I realized tonight what the one thing that would make my life complete is: a fuck-buddy (or buddies). It may sound crass, but I think it’s the most wonderful situation in the world, especially for someone like me who has much to offer as a friend, a person, and a lover, but who absolutely sucks at the whole “in love” thing. I am a physical person by nature, and I always will be. That means that I will always have deep cravings for both sexual and non-sexual physical intimacy. Basically, there will be times when all I want to do is have amazing sex, cuddle, and then not have it lead to anything else (expectations or the like). The problem is that I don’t like doing this with random people. It’s easy enough to do, and I’ve certainly done it before, but it’s just so much nicer with someone you know and trust. If I can’t have a girlfriend, and I can’t be with random people, this is simply the only solution. If I’m going to have a moment like that, I don’t want there to be anything uncomfortable about it, and a good friend provides that level of comfort and trust.

I told Elena about my drunken adventure and she said, “See, you’re good at that … I’m not.” I’m sure that she meant nothing by it, but I instantly felt dirty. I don’t want to be known for my ability to have random sex! The fact that it’s associated with me means that on some level I’m betrayed what I believe in to satisfy a momentary craving, and that’s just not the person I want to be. So, I need to find a fuck-buddy. I really, really, REALLY want it to be Elena because our chemistry together is just so natural and it’s so nice not to think, but just enjoy. Not to mention that it’s a lot harder to find someone who sees the merits in a loving but casual relationship than it is to find a regular old girlfriend! But, if it’s not her then I’m sure there will be someone else … at least I know exactly what I want, which I didn’t for a long time. Or maybe it’s just that I’m glad I want something healthy again (it may not be healthy for everyone, but it is for me … I even talked about with my doctor yesterday, and he agreed with me … yay validation!).

Now, for those of you thinking, “You Moron … isn’t this attitude what got you into trouble in the first place?” I should let you know that I have put some thought into this. I realize that it didn’t work out the last time I tried it, but it definitely did work in times prior, so I know it’s doable. The problem with Elena is that I let myself fall in love with her even when I told myself that it wasn’t a good idea … I allowed myself to be blind to reality of our situation and focus on fanciful illusions I created in my head. Dumb move … I know better. But, I did learn from my mistakes and I’ve come up with some ground rules for my next “special” friend (whether it be Elena or someone else):

1. No one needs to know our business. As far of the rest of the world is concerned, we should be considered nothing more than good friends. In addition to eliminating the gossip and backtalk, this also adds a fun little element of suspense to the relationship.
2. No PDA – for the same reasons stated above.
3. If either of us ever finds ourselves closing off options or people in our life because of the other, it’s time to call it quits.
4. If either of us ever finds ourselves resentful of the other, it’s time to call it quits.
5. Always safe sex – no reason to add worry where it isn’t needed.
6. PLAY! PLAY! PLAY! It should always be fun and light. I want someone that I can call up and say, “Hey, I’m feeling frisky why don’t you come over and play with me.”, have them come over, have tremendous sex, and then go be normal friends doing what we do. For sure, I will care more deeply for someone I am intimate with than someone I’m not, but that doesn’t mean that I have to go overboard. Better love doesn’t have to be “in love”.

Maybe I’m an idealist and what I want is just to rare to ever really happen, but fuck it … if we don’t try to get what we want, then what’s the point? I love myself, my friends, my job and my life and that creates a generous energy in me. That energy in turn creates a tremendous sexual energy and I want to share that with someone. I’m not looking for magical moments (not every time at least), but just some good old-fashioned playtime. Just being able to have fun on that level is a magic unto it’s own.

Or maybe, I'm just tired and horny? :) Happy Friday!

2002-09-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

Good morning! Don’t worry, I’m still here … I’ve just been laying low, having some fun and doing what I do.

I went out on Tuesday night and ended up having way more fun than I expected to. A band that one of my roommates hooked up with at Burning Man was playing at a club downtown, so a few of us went down and rocked the house a little bit. By the end of the night, I was spinning flag poi in the middle of the dance floor and giving out lessons. I had an absolute blast!

The girl I had fun with on Sunday came out with us, but when we all got back to our place, she (and another girl that was with us!) ended up in bed with my roommate! All I have to say is that he is definitely the man! Hee hee … actually, I don’t know that anything happened but he’s still the man just for keeping them there. He and I also had a really good talk about some people, places, and things common to our lives and I was glad to hear that he is in agreement with a lot of the realizations that I’ve come to lately (and a lot of things that I thought before). Validation isn’t necessarily essential to me (there are many things that I do that no one understands or agrees with), but it is nice every now and then. More than ever, I feel like my vision has become clear again.

And since there’s always got to be some heavy moral or ethical issue on my mind, I might as well tell you that this week’s food for thought was the concept of love. After Burning Man, the word “love” starts to get thrown around an awful lot. Me being me, all of this use of the term gets me thinking about it. I swear that I’m a philosopher at heart … if I could get paid to around and think all day, I would be a very happy man.

So, here’s what I think about love as it relates to me. I’ve decided that I don’t think I’m meant to be “in love” at all … in fact, I wonder just how many of us truly are. Although finding that “special someone” is often the focal point of my life, it’s when I do fall in love that I begin to notice a lot of who I am begin to fall apart. I’ve also noticed this with many of my friends, and even just random acquaintances.

When I’m single, I am overflowing with love and kindness for friends, lovers, random people and myself. I’m a happy, outgoing, energetic person who thrives on bringing smiles to people’s faces. But when I fall “in love”, all of that goes away and I start trying to give all of the love that I have to just one person and it becomes combustible and we both eventually end up unhappy. Perhaps it’s a matter of learning a little bit more about myself, or perhaps it’s just the way that I am. Whatever the case may be, I think I’m going to stick with the obvious choice for the foreseeable future and do what makes me and those around me happy. It’s a very freeing feeling to see the person you slept with two nights earlier hooking up with someone else and not be at all concerned or jealous. She’s happy, and that makes me happy. If we sleep together again, we’ll both be happy again, and so on and so on.

So for now, my search for that special someone is on hold, and replaced by a search for wonderful and beautiful people to surround myself with – in friendship, professional development, and good ol’ physical frolicking. Maybe one will turn out to be a perfect companion, and maybe one won’t, but it’ll be a wonderful trip. I’m having fun again, and realizing that that’s what life is TRULY about.

2002-09-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

You can always tell when things are going well for me, because my blog entries become spaced farther and farther apart. I had a fabulous weekend; complete with good energy, goofy surprises, good times, little kids, and even a sprinkle of good sex … how could I possibly complain?

Friday night was pretty much a wash. I was so exhausted from only having gotten 4 hours of sleep on Thursday that I happily crashed out around 11:00. Saturday was a gray day, but full of all sorts of wonderful surprises. I spent the morning smoking bowls, mixing music, and drinking mocha cappuccinos. On my second trip to the coffee shop, I ran into someone working who I had never seen before. I was effervescent and charming (of course) and - BAM! – I had a date for that night. Already, my Saturday was off to a great start.

The Elena came over to talk about some stuff for a web site I’m helping her with, and she had her daughter and friend in tow. I LOVE this little girl so much and I haven’t seen her in so long. I swear I picked her up and hugged her for at least ten minutes. It really made my day. The little one was a bit over-energized, so we weren’t able to get much done but it was still great to see them both. My date on Saturday night turned out to be a bit of a disappointment (she was only 18! And very 18, at that … I need them a bit more mature), but it was still somewhat entertaining.

On Sunday, I went to a very small picnic in the park with some returned Burners that made for a great afternoon. I spun and we talked and ate ambrosia and gourmet bread and just relaxed in the sun – it was a perfect afternoon in the park. When I got home, there was a whole HOUSE full of returned Burners, so I got to keep the vibe going. I helped them unload, got covered in Playa dust, and even donned a cape and a cowboy hat for the experience. All in all, it was a wonderful time. To cap off the unloading adventure, we went to a very mainstream bar and flaunted our very non-mainstream appearance.

At the bar, there were Playa stories abounding – even some pretty salacious ones involving Elena that she had failed to mention when she was giving me her stories. I had a wonderful moment in that I felt no sort of resentment or jealously in hearing the stories … just a happiness at her exploration out there. It was especially meaningful to me because on Saturday there was a moment when she was leaning over my shoulder looking at something on the computer and I had this tremendous urge to turn and kiss her. I didn’t of course, but that attraction is still there. And, I swear I felt it from her too … but, that’s beside the point. The point is that my feelings for her feel healthy and balanced again. My attraction takes me to a good place, not a dark one. I’m not going to lie … I think I’ll always hope that we can someday return to our “special” friendship. If we do it right, it really does have some wonderful possibilities. I am in the space to do it right now, but I don’t if she’ll ever be in the space to trust me on that level.

But I digress … also at the bar was this wonderfully adorable girl who had just returned from her first Burn. She’s a corporate lawyer now, but she’s leaving in a couple of weeks for a language immersion course, and then coming back and joining the Peace Corps. See how the experience can change you? Anyway, we just had really good chemistry all night, and I ended up accompanying her back to her place for some continued chemistry … She’s just about to begin an amazing journey of her own, so she’s not someone I would expect to be settling down anytime soon – but I do think we could be good friends, and definitely have some good times.

A cab ride home this morning with a really cool driver who stopped for coffee on the way, and here I am back in the swing of the working world. There are such good rhythms and energies in my life right now, that all I can do is hope that they continue to grow.

Speaking of energy, I talked with the two roommates who were away about negative energy guy, and they are totally on my side. He got physically intimidating with me on Saturday, and that’s where I decided to draw the line. I told these guys that I was just about ready to move out, and they said that they were ready to re-work the lease and kick HIM out! Too perfect … now it will be an awesome house with awesome energy the whole way through – as it was meant to be.

I feel lucky to be alive today … I hope you do too!

2002-09-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

Click. Click. Click ... that's the sound of all of the little pieces of my life gently falling into place. Things just keep getting better and better for me and I've finally realized that it's because I've put the focus of my life back on being me. Even though I didn't go to Burning Man, the mere fact that it was taking place awakened a part of me that I had let fall asleep ... the part of me that is proud and loving and fearless in this world. Around this time last year, I remember thinking that I had never known so much joy in my life. The reason behind this joy was that I had finally been able to just let myself be, without regret, and saw the magic that I was truly capable of. In that magic, everything else came so easily. I feel that magic again and it lights up my soul.

I had a wonderful evening last night. Playa stories, dancing, old friend, old roommate ... everything flowing with a very natural energy. I saw nothing but beauty last night and it made me so excited that I could barely sleep. I remarked to someone the other day that it's not whether or not you go to Burning Man that's important, it's whether or not you're a Burner. The personality makes the experience, not vice versa. In other words, it's who you are ... not what you do. This is true not only of Burning Man, but of life in general.

I once said of someone, "You have to love him for who he wants to be and not who he is." At the time, I offered it with a pretty apathetic context. Now though, it seems so perfectly simple and correct. Shouldn't we all love each other for who we want to be, and be as accepting and forgiving of each other for who we are as we can? Who we want to be is the person that lives in our heart and owns our soul - the true source of our beauty. Who we are is merely the bastardization of that beautiful person by all of the elements that we cannot control. Some of these elements are in the world around us, and some are buried deeply within ourselves ... but no matter where the obstacles come from, they can be equally daunting and insurmountable. I know so many people (myself included) who are not quite the people that they want to be, and so many others (myself again included) who have judged them harshly for that. But as I begin to see these people again, and even look in the mirror myself, I see Gods and Goddesses where I once saw peasants.

Judge a person by their intent and not their actions, and you will always find yourself in good company.

2002-09-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

For those of you keeping track, I did come in to work today and my tummy troubles have subsided. :) I haven't gotten a lot done today because I've had other consultants in all day, and I'm leaving early to meet with someone on another project so all in all it's been a slow day.

I saw Coffee again this morning, and had the perfect chance to ask her for her number, but instantly felt that I didn't want to. It was weird ... she was sitting outside and we were talking and then (this is going to make me sound really weird) her face just looked ODD. There's no way to describe it, and she wasn't trying to make an ugly face ... in fact, I think it was supposed to be a reaction of humor ... but it was just ugly. If that's what she looks like when she laughs, it would never work between us. Laughing is far too important to me.

Maybe we'll connect in the future, but for now I'm going to follow my instinct and leave it alone. Hee hee ... the hunt begins again! :)

2002-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

Note to self: Self, you have got to pay more attention to careless mistakes when you write.

I was just reading back through some old entries, and realized that they are littered with grammar mistakes and typos. I think it's a combination of the fact that I often write when I'm stoned, and that I hate to proofread. Nevertheless, some of them are horrible!

Oops. :)

On that note, I need to lie down for a moment and decide whether I'm going in to the office today or not. I am having a serious stomach event at the moment, and I'm sure I could work from home, but things are going so well at the job that I don't want to risk breaking the momentum if possible. I'll let you know what I decide.

2002-09-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

This is how I want all days to be. Work was absolutely kicking ... I had so many things going on that I didn't even have time to stop for lunch. I like it when things get chaotic like that as I think better under pressure. Also, the CEO and VP of Marketing were back and forth to me all day. Not so much to do stuff, but asking for my opinion or help in solving a problem. To me, that's always a good sign. They even remarked to someone that they weren't planning on letting me get away. I had a wonderful experience working in a successful startup before and I think there's a chance that this might (knock on wood!) be another chance like that. Very exciting!

Then I came home and spun until my arms were so sore I couldn't hold a cigarette (and believe me, I would have spun even longer if I could have). I've really found my ryhthm with the poi in the past few weeks, and they're taking to me to all sorts of new and wonderful places. I've even been working on a little choreography ... maybe I'll have a little sumptin' sumptin' for my friends when I come home for Christmas. :)

Everybody's back from the Burn now, fully refreshed as to the people they are (or at least want to be), and I decided that the best route to take with everyone (remember the question I was asking myself earlier?) is to just dive in and see what happens. If anybody asks where I've been, I think I'll just tell them that I needed some "me" time. It's certainly the truth and I think it's something everyone can relate to. That's the solution for the group. As for the indivduals who were closer to me or more privy to what was going on, I'll take them as they come. I invited one person out for coffee and she didn't respond so I won't worry about her. I've opened the door and she'll walk through it if and when she wants to ... I at least feel good about how I left it.

Elena and I continue to bounce back and forth. I don't know where I stand with her, and I think that's a little hard for me but I'm trying to be patient and just see where it goes. As I was driving home today, I realized what it is that keeps pulling me back to her - she's my Marshmallow. See, I have this thing about giving nicknames to people. All of my best friends have these cutesy little nicknames dubbed by me. For the longest time, there was Muffinhead, Elly Belly, and Kayte Bean and then there was Pop Tart. I love these girls on a level that goes beyond romance or friendship. They are like little parts of me. I've gone months without talking to or seeing any one of them, and there is not a moment's hesitation in our first conversation. When I came out here and met Elena, she became Marshmallow - we connected on the same level that I feel with my East Coast girls. Yes, we were making love, but we were never meant to be defined like that ... we were just meant to be these pieces of each other. That's what made the making love so special. I always said that above all else we were best friends, but the truth is that even above friendship, she was my Marshmallow. Remembering that reminds me that the other things aren't so important. They'll come if and when the time is right.

The last person I want make sure everything is OK with is a girl who was working with me on spinning poi. Back in the day, I had planned to put on a fire show for Elena's birthday. To prepare, I made a deal with a bad-ass poi spinner to barter her help in putting together a routine in exchange for a ticket to Burning Man. We started and had met a few times when her and her boyfriend broke up. It was a hard on her, and she said she had to stop teaching me. As I recall, I offered her the ticket anyway but she turned me down. My plan then was to just doing something really cool for her when the opportunity arose. I was really appreciative of her help and definitely wanted to make it up to her. Now here's where it gets tricky - a couple of months ago, Elena told me that our friend had asked her if I mentioned anything about getting her a ticket to Burning Man. At the time, I was in extreme poverty mode and certainly didn't have the money. I told Elena that I didn't think our friend was still expecting the ticket and simply couldn't swing it then. Again, I thought everything was cool. Then, just as I was moving into the house I live in now, I run into her (the poi spinner, not Elena) at a party. I only see her for a moment, but I her make an overly audible comment about the expense of Burning Man and turn my head to see her staring at me. Not wanting to get into anything with so many people around, I left the room.

But, I thought about for days afterward. I felt bad - I mean, if I thought someone was paying for something and they didn't it would screw up my budget too. About a week before Burning Man, I sent an e-mail to my lesson-giver explaining that I felt bad, that I remembered something different but that I was very distracted at the time and probably remembered it wrong, and asked if I could reimburse her for her ticket. If I did something wrong, I wanted to make it right. Well, she never responded either ... which I can't figure out. So now, I don't know if she's pissed or if I said something wrong or what the deal is. Not only does everyone else really like this girl, but *I* really like her (Platonically) and I certainly don't want to get on her bad side. I feel like contacting her again would be pushy, and straight out sending her a check would be too forward. I'm sure cash would be better than anything else, but receiving it unsolicited can be insulting. So, here's what I'm thinking ... I was going to go and get her a pimped out spa day somewhere (kind of the antithesis of Burning Man), and send her the certificate anonyously with the caption "From the Universe, for being you."

I figure she'll figure out that it's from me, and if I present it that way she'll realize that I really only had the best of intentions. Even if she doesn't figure out that it's from me, I'll at least know that I did the right thing. Any thoughts on this plan from anyone?

Wow ... I've been writing for quite a bit! That's what the right music and the right drugs will do for you. :) Anyway, that's the here and now on me ... living and loving in the California sun. :)

2002-09-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

I think I'm too smart for my own good.

When I was leaving work today, our receptionist asked me if I would give her husband a ride to the auto parts store for a fan belt that just broke in their car. I told them it would be my pleasure, and off we went. On the way, the husband and I were talking and he was a really good guy. I never regretted helping him for a second. The thing is, he is the antithesis of me: early 40s, grubby from work, heavily tattooed, poorly spoken biker guy. When he got into my car, he took his shirt off because he has it was a grub rag and he didn't want to get my seats dirty. Of course, I could care less either way.

So were driving and talking and I start to realize that he is trying really hard to make sure he doesn't sound uneducated. Then, I realize that I'm trying really hard not to sound too educated. Both of us were trying really hard to hide what we really were so that we could fit in more with the other. I realized as I was driving home that this is something I do a lot, and it often gets me in to trouble.

I don't want to sound conceited, but I am smarter than the average bear. I often find myself in situations were I know more than anyone else in the conversation about the topic, or know the answer while everyone is still talking about it and I keep my mouth shut. I think this is a reflex reaction developed over time, and undoubtedly the result of the geekiness of my adolescence. No one likes a know it all. However, as I get to know people I find that I begin to get more and more comfortable admitting my intelligence around them.

The thing is, I'm also often wrong. But, because I'm so busy deferring every point to the strangers in my life I usually try to be right about everything with my friends. I fight points that I really have no business talking about, and looking stupid. I think I'm going to make a note to myself to keep track of that one.

I saw my first returned Burner this evening, and a puff of Playa dust that made me sneeze flew from her shirt when we hugged. I asked about some of my favorite camps from last year, she told me about some of her favorites from this year, and so on. It was just a start of the many stories I hope to hear over the next few weeks. One of the cool things about Burning Man is how deeply it affects you. Because it is so profound, the telling of the same set of events can be different for ever single person. Everyone brings a little of themselves, and takes their own piece away.

2002-09-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday! Lots of stuff going on today as the kids begin to arrive home from Burning Man. As the messages start to filter in from the list I’m on about people making it home, plans for next year and comments like, “Best BM ever!” I can’t help but feel a little swell of renewed regret at not being able to be there. I feel like I just missed the best party of the year, and I probably did. No matter – I’m sure there will be stories for months, and planning for next year will begin before I know it.

I saw Coffee this morning. She said she was sorry that she missed me (and the party) on Saturday, and that it was just a bad day to be sick overall. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her much because her boss was there standing over her shoulder, and there was a line of people behind me. I want to ask her for her number, but it just feels odd to do it in front of so many people. Is it cheesy if I just slip her my number on a piece of paper the next time I see her?

It’s been hard getting back into the working groove this morning, but I am doing my best to power through. I think I’ve been feeling a bit unsettled in general the last few days – there is a definite absence of female influence in my life. True, I’m looking for one to be physical with, but I also need a few to hang out with. I have a definitely feminine energy, and living with all men just does not fully satisfy me. On the whole, my roommates are great – but there is one who is just so bigoted and ignorant that having him in my living space is definitely draining my energy.

We’ll call him Ken. He’s 36 and spends his days surfing and painting apartments. Not where I want to be at 36, but he’s certainly entitled to do whatever he wants with his life. What gets me is his endless frat boy mentality. He calls me a geek, and often uses words like “nigger” and “faggot”. He puts people down, and gets off on violence and hatred. I could on and on, but it’s just not worth the trouble. The fact of the matter is that he just doesn’t respect other people’s right to be whatever they want … a striking hypocrisy when you look at the choices he has made in life.

I believe that roommates must be almost familial. You’re not going to agree on everything (and sometimes nothing), but you’ve got to be able live together respectfully no mater what. My home is my sanctuary and I will not let that peace be violated by anyone. I don’t care what his views are, or whether I agree with them. What I do care about is having them thrust forcibly in my face every time I turn around. He’s just bad energy. For now though, I’ll relax and see what happens. It has been escalating, but perhaps the escalation is over.

So, that’s me on a Tuesday – looking for love in all the wrong places, getting in touch with my softer side, and fighting ignorance. What are YOU doing today?

2002-09-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

Note: I actually started writing the first half of this entry yesterday, but was never able to finish it so you get two for the price of one today.

Bummer! I went to the coffee shop this morning to give Coffee directions like I promised, only to find that she had called in sick. The people that were working were obviously overloaded because they were one employee short, so I didn't dare ask if any of them were going to see her. I'm sure her calling in sick had nothing to do with me (I *am* sure of that, right?), but I'm still a little disaapointed that we won't get to hang out. I told her the address at one point, so maybe she'll remember and come anyway.

Because of the holiday, the company I'm working for let everyone go home at 2:00 yesterday. Everyone flew out the door, but I was still wandering around trying to figure out what to do. Since I'm only an hourly consultant for these guys, getting told to go home early works against me rather than for me. Finally, I went in to ask the CEO if I could bill a few hours at home and before I could even get the words out of my mouth, he told me to go home and still bill 40 hours (without mention of doing work at home). It was a nice surprise, and a good indication that he's been happy with the work I've been doing. I was thinking about it last night, and I think I want to try and develop this assignment into a full-time position. Not only do I think they have a good product, I think the leadership is great. Best of all, they have a whole in their management infrastructure that would be perfect as my next career step - Director of MIS. I've been a project manager for a couple of years now, and I think it's time for me to move up to the next level.

I realized yesterday that we're coming up on the anniversary of September 11. I also realized how much of an activist I became, and how many things I swore I would do and not do - never taking anything for granted. I think we all made those promises ... did you keep yours? I certainly didn't keep mine. Sometimes, I think we reach too far and when we miss, our instinct is to not reach again instead of just looking for something a little more within our reach. Maybe we should silently promise ourselves to try again?

It's an absolutely beautiful day here in Southern California, and I have poi to spin, decorating to do, and music to listen to. For the record, my current album of choice is Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP. I think it's one of my top five all-time favorite albums.

***

What a blur the past 24 hours have been! I started writing the above entry yesterday afternoon, and haven't had a chance to even look at it until now. Oops. Guess you'll just have to settle for a double dose of my life today.

So, the party happened. It didn't go down the way anyone expected it to, but I think we all had a good time nonetheless. I was adorned in my leopard print pants, black shirt, leopard hat and platform shoes which drew quite the awkward look from many a guest - almost all of whom were not people I invited. In fact, only two people came from my round of invitations for the "Non-Burn" party. I guess I'm not so popular after all. :) Actually, I think they're all just out on the Playa.

I didn't get to spin fire, but I was able to get bits and pieces of the webcast going, although the burned the man long before our first guest showed up. That turned out to be the extent of the Burning Man spirit, and the rest of the night was just spent partying. After a while, my outfit became "cool" as people got to know me and realized I was normal, my roommate and I kicked ass at pool, holding the table for 6 games straight. There was dancing and frolicking, and somewhere around 2:00, tripping. Heh, now I definitely feel like I was in the Burning Man spirit! I actually had the best trip I've had in a while. Elena was the last person I tripped with, and she and I never tripped well together ... our vibes were just way off. This was very chill, with lots of smiles.

I woke up this morning and did my share of the cleaning early, went to this great deli for a roast beef sandwich and some IBC, and then came home and smoked and relaxed. The best part, I have tomorrow off too! Hmm ... shall I be super lazy, or super productive??

This was kind of a dull post, huh? Oh well ... hey, I've got two funny quotes for you as heard in my life over the past 24 hours:

"There is no party. It's just us, with better lighting." - me, to my roommates as it started to seem like no one was going to come.
"Avocadoes are the bacon of fruits." - my roommate to me while walking out of deli.

2002-08-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

It's all about perspective ... no matter who you are, everything is proportional to you. It's not until we look out into the world and see what other people's lives are like that we can truly understand our own. That's just something I was thinking about today as I was thinking about what I've got going on, and comparing it to the rest of the world. It's probably something that's good for us all to remember.

I've been listening to the webcast of Burning Man. When the image came up and I heard the DJ, I couldn't believe how strong the attraction was. It was like I was stepping on to the Playa all over again. I miss it ... I really miss it. But, there's always next year ... if anything, having to go without this year is good incentive for me to stay on top of my shit so that going next year will be a breeze. I don't know what I'll do if I have to miss another one! It may seem silly, but it's really one of those things that you can only understand once you've been there.

Coffee-Shop Girl now has a name, which I discovered this morning. After missing her yesterday and the day before (despite drinking a lot of coffee in my attempts to catch her), I saw her there this morning. I get really shy around new people ... men and women alike. If I care what you think, I'm a jumble of nerves and usually very quiet. There was nothing different about me this morning, and I got my coffee and headed on my way - only offering a couple of small jokes. As I was driving away, I realized the cup they gave me was leaking, and it would have been silly to drive to work and let coffee leak all over my car, so I went back for a new cup. When I got there, she was a little less busy and I was able to not only ask for her name, but also tell her that I really hoped she would come to the party on Saturday (I had mentioned it before, but all part of very lighthearted flirting - this was more serious, letting her know that there really was intent to my flirting). She said to make sure I wrote down the address, etc ... and I promised I'd be back in on Saturday morning to give her all the info. It sounds like she is going to come, and is at least a little bit interested in me as well. Of course, I'd bet that she thinks that I came back specifically to talk to her ... even though it's not the case, perhaps it helped to solidify the fact that I really am interested. I just hope that it didn't make me look bad or desperate. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to seeing her away from this coffee shop so that we have a chance to talk. So far, all I know is that she is incredibly cute and has a wonderful smile ... I just hope there is a brain and a personality behind it!

I can't seem to find a single thing to do at work today, and all I want to do is leave ... I have to find a solution to my problem of getting bored on the job. Perhaps I should just do things slower ... but then I would only be more bored. Hmm ...

That's life in sunny California on a Thursday. You're in my thoughts ... yep - YOU!

2002-08-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

After work today, I went to visit Marty and Elaine. I hadn't seen them in a while, and thought it would be nice to hang out and do a bong hit with them. We were sitting around chatting when Marty tells a story of a strange experience that he had on Saturday night. He was at Elena's house helping her and her friends pack their cars to leave for Burning Man, when he and another guy were securing a strap over the top of the car. His end was secured when he got a strange feeling in his teeth. He turned to tell someone about his tooth feeling, and just narrowly missed being sliced across the face from the other end of the strap that had come loose on the other side of the car - shooting like bullet from the tension in the cord. It was an amazing story of the Universe looking out for you, especially when Marty reminded me that it could very well be the spirit of he and Elena's friend Peter. As you remember, Peter was killed while getting ready for Burning Man last year. Being so close to both Elena and Marty, it would make sense that his spirit was watching out for them - especially on this trip.

In any other circumstance I would have thought this was one of the coolest stories I had ever heard, but as I heard him tell it, I became so suddenly sad that I couldn't even think straight. For the next few minutes, I was only catching about 40% of what he was saying and I made me retreat soonafter. I was saddened for two reasons: the first is that I offered to help Elena get ready many times, and even explicitly stated to her that I would really appreciate the chance to be a part of her first experience at Burning Man. I didn't hear back from her, and assumed that she was just too busy or didn't need any help. From what I heard from Marty, there were a bunch of people there helping out and it was very casual. They didn't leave until after midnight. That means that Elena explicitly didn't want me to be a part of her going. The second reason is that when Marty reminded me of Peter, it made me think of that awful exchange between her and I and the possibility of me going to Burning Man.

I realize it's silly that these things affected me, and even as I was walking out of the apartment complex I was vowing to take the advice of Elena herself, and own only my actions. As much as I would like her in my life, I refuse to be responsible for her or let her have an adverse effect on me. The sadness quickly passed, but it got me to thinking more seriously about what I should do with regard to my social circle out here. I've tried to make contact with a few people I haven't seen in a while who have not responded to me (and they're not Burners, so that's not why), and I'm deciding what to do next. I don't know whether I should bother putting forth much effort into past friendships (and do I only mean the ones local to me, girls :) ). I know I once saw potential in these friendships, so there's definitely a part of me that wants to give that potential a chance to unfold. On the other hand, none of them we're really all that evolved, and a lot has happened - many only knew me just a short while before all the crazy shit started to go down. It may be better to simply move on to a different social circle altogether. Surprisingly, the roommate I've gotten along with the best so far is the one everyone thinks is the dumb stoner. He's actually very smart, and a really good person. He just needs to work on his motivation a little ... Anyway, we've hung out a little bit, and it's been cool. I'm also meeting new people left and right, so I'm not worried about being alone. The question is, am I too weird to come forward and try to mend these old friendships, or would I be too uncaring not to try? What's the right thing to do?

So anyway, I'm driving home and thinking about all of this when it occurs to me that I didn't give anything to anyone to throw in the fire for me at Burning Man. Traditionally, there are two burns. On Saturday night, they burn the man and you throw in something symbolic of your surrender, what you want to give up, and what you want to leave behind. On Sunday, there is a smaller burn for memorials of loved ones and things lost. Not being able to go this year, I had at least wanted to give something to someone to take for me. It was so important to me, that I even briefly entertained the notion of driving up for the burn and turning right around and coming home ... briefly, I promise. I know it's silly sentiment, but silly sentiment can be a powerful force ... just look at Catholicism.

Despite my brief mental flirt with a spontaneous road trip, I came home and settled in for the evening. Out of nowhere, a friend of mine came over who was on her way to Burning Man right this very minute! I thought she had left a couple of days ago, but she was just leaving now and needed to pick something up at our house. With beautiful silver cornrolls she looked for what she needed and I hastily put a package together for the burn for her to take with her. Knowing her, there is nothing that could keep her from getting that package to that fire for me.

Maybe Peter was looking out for Marty ... maybe there's someone up there looking out for me too.

2002-08-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

Well, hello there and Happy Tuesday. By now, 99% of the people I know are out on the Playa at Burning Man ... man, do I wish I were there. I'm not bitter though; just envious of those who could make it, and hopeful that they have a wonderful experience.

Things here have been OK. Work continues to be a cakewalk, and I think I'm slowly adjusting to the temperature down here in the server room. My leftover roomies and I have been trying to put together party plans for this Saturday, and that has had me a little stressed out. First of all, we are three different types of guys trying to set three different types of vibes ... I thought everyone was on the same page as me with the Burning Man theme, but now it appears that they are wandering off in their own directions. Secondly, we're having a bitch of a time putting together a solid DJ lineup for the party. Most of the DJs I know have headed off to Burning Man, and the few that are left are either working on Saturday night, don't have equipment, or a combination of the two. Finally, I've been told that fire-spinning may not be well appreciated in our neighborhood. I refuse to stress about it though ... for me, it is still a Burning Man party and that means a whole bunch of different types of people and elements of fun coming together in a somewhat unstructured atmosphere. I'm doing everything I can to prepare, but I also have trust that a lot of the loose ends will take care of themselves.

I finally opened a new bank account, and was surprised that they actually let me open one. Still, it's nice to be back in the regular flow of life again. It still amazes me just how far I've come in a short time. I even have my eye on a girl, for the first time in a few months ... she works the counter at the local coffee shop, and she just seems exactly my type. We have flirted subtly a few times, and I mentioned the party to her. Of course, I still don't even know her name, but these things will come. First on my opposite sex priority list is to have some great sex :), the next is to find a nice, stable girlfriend. I think I need and am ready for both. Even as I type that, I feel a twinge in my spine. For the great sex/good friend thing, Elena and I had sooooo much potential ... I wish that that hadn't gotten so fucked up. Quite frankly, I wish she were around for some good, not-so-clean fun. =P

Here's a little story from yesterday that's pretty much indicative of my life these days: I worked until about 5:30 in the afternoon, at which time I started driving home. I hit a pocket of traffic on the local streets right after I leave here, so I use that time to smoke a bowl. Bowl smoked, I drove back towards my house grooving to whatever was on the radio. When I hit the streets local to my house, I drive a straight shot towards the water for about 3 miles, the ocean in view the whole time. It was an amazing sight, and one I think is easily taken for granted. I walked in the front door and immediately announced, "Do you know where we live??!? ... Life is good." Did some laundry, went downtown to a bar to listen to a potential DJ (who was OK, even though the bar was empty), came home, and went to bed.

You know what? Life IS good. :)

2002-08-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I sent off the first contigent of people I know going to Burning Man last night. It was bittersweet ... I was incredibly excited for them, but definitely felt a little twinge of sadness at not hopping in the car and joining of them. One of them swears that he'll see me wandering out of the dust next weekend ... he can't believe I'm not going. Honestly, it would be just like me to go at the last minute and just appear out on the playa, dancing underneath the stars in a Tigger costume. Ah, what it is to dream!

But, there's something very cool keeping me anchored to the ground here. There's a growing buzz for my party idea, and it looks like I'm going to get a really good turnout. As I've been helping my friends get on their way, I've met a lot of other people who are in the same situation as me who were desperate for something to do since they couldn't go to Burning Man. When I tell them about the party, they get all excited. Something like this has been needed, but no one has taken the initiative to get it off the ground. I'm glad I can be that person.

So no, I will not be wandering out on the Playa this year ... but I think I'll be bringing a little bit of the Playa to me. :)

2002-08-22T07:57:00.000-07:00

OK, I feel better now ... it just took me a little while to get settled in. There's actually something serene about the early morning, perhaps more noticeable to me because I'm almost never around to see it (or if I am, I'm bleary-eyed and still awake from the night before). It's quiet - dead quiet. The coffee is fresher, the sounds crisper, and there's a feeling of satisfaction knowing that you're ahead of the game ... getting a jump on the rest of the world. Of course, it's certainly not enough satisfaction to make me think about ever doing anything that would require me to do this every day. :)

I firmly set out upon my goal of cleaning up loose ends yesterday by sending out a flurry of e-mails to people and/or situations I had been neglecting. Then, I left work around 4:00 (anticipating my early arrival today), and spent the afternoon helping out my housemates and running a last minute Burning Man donation over to my old house for my old roomies to use. Then I had a chance encounter with a girl I haven't seen in many months, who I happened to have met on the playa last year. We chatted a bit and caught up ... it was very nice. It's been a year (almost exactly) since I came out west, and I feel like I've come full circle. I feel like the man I was when I arrived here, and it feels good. I can also feel that energy being reflected off of the people around me and back on to me, which feels even better.

2002-08-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

It's 6:20AM, and I'm in the office. Yup ... IN THE OFFICE.

Did I mention that I'm not a morning person?

2002-08-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

So, I got an e-mail from my oldest and dearest friend (whether she knows it or not) that put me in my place a little. I have a habit of not asking for help until it's too late, and suddenly everything is a major crisis and the situation is critical. Doing that just makes things worse, and it snowballs from there. My parents have been telling me this for a long time, but they're generally nuts themselves so I don't usually pay them much attention. This person reminded me how much of an effect I have on other people's lives, and how unfair it can be to unload major issues all at once ... it creates unnecessary and undue stress for the people close to me. I'm glad that someone else out there reminded me, because it's as important to remember as anything and everything I do from this point forward.

It's important to move forward hoping not to make the same mistakes in the past, but it's even more important to do the right thing if those mistakes are made instead of letting a bad situation become worse.

Thanks for being honest ... you did the right thing.

2002-08-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling even more invigorated than in the days previous. It's a growing stream of energy, and for that I am excited. People around me have been telling me that I'm back to normal and should be getting on with life, but I have been hesitant for some time. I think my biggest fear is that things will go wrong again, but that's a fear that we all share. You don't have to be me to be worried about taking risks. One thing I know is that I can't go through life worrying, and I need to seize this moment where I feel true-to-form and start doing the things that make me smile again. What that means is getting back into the social circuit, exercising, and being creative instead of going home and doing bong hits in front of the television (as I've been doing most nights of late).

So, today I begin to clean up loose ends and start subtlely waving my hand to remind people that I'm still here, and just as great as I ever was. I'm writing off the past six months as a small step in what I hope will be the much grander scheme of life, and giving everyone the opportunity to start at zero with me - any judgments made completely cast aside. Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone will afford me the same luxury, but I'm OK with that. Those who are meant to be in my life will find their way in - it's just how it works.

2002-08-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

Things continue to get better and better as the days go by. Every day, I feel myself becoming a little more energized and a little bit more of the old me waking up. The Burning Man alternate party is a go, although it won't be as grand as I'd like. Still, it's something. I've also volunteered to help out the people I know who are going to BM by looking after plants, pets or anything else that might need attention while they're away. These things I'm doing are small, but they do at least take the a little of the edge off of what I have to admit is great disappointment on my part that I won't be able to go to BM this year. After everything that has happened to me, I desperately need the rejuvenating energy of the Playa, but to go would only put me behind again. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Still, even though I'm no expert, I think so much of Burning Man is what you make of it. Someone tells you that you are free to be yourself and be truly happy, so you do it. Well, what is to stop anyone us from doing that very same thing every day of our lives? Nothing. That is the true magic of Burning Man ... not what you do in the week that you're on the Playa, but what you do in the weeks you're not.

I also saw Elena last night, and it was really good. She didn't come to the house to see me, but stopped by my room and hung out for a little bit nonetheless. We caught up a bit, and it was really chill and relaxed. We didn't talk about the past or problems or any of that other shit ... and that's all it is, just a whole lot of shit ... and there was no friction between us. I know that I've gone through just about every extreme with her, both in our relationship and my feelings about her and our relationship, and I think it was process that I had to go through. But, I'm ready to leave the past in the past, where it belongs, and keep my eyes focused on the road ahead. If we could both agree to do that, then I think we'll get along fine. I don't want things to go back to the way they were, which was unhealthy for both us, but I do think it would be nice if we could remain friendly, and maybe even hang out every now and then.

She mentioned the e-mail I sent her telling her about this blog, and gave a very brief commentary on how she has become "anti-blog" and does not want to be an audience to people's lives. My instinctive response to her was, "Well, you can be a participant any time you like." And, that is honestly how I feel. I write because I love to write, and because I think enough happens in my life that there's something I have to give to the world ... some lesson that someone can learn because I exist. I invite everyone who means me no harm to be a participant in my life, and allow everyone else to be an audience. What role, if any, you desire in that scheme is a choice that only you can make.

Life is good ... life is really fucking good, and it's only getting better. :)

2002-08-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Goodbye posh office, hello free desk in the server room. I suppose one of the inherent drawbacks of being a consultant is that you can't really lay claim to any territory where you work. As such, I came in today to find that I had been moved to make room for a new employee. The only place to put happens to be in this over air-conditioned server room, which is also shared by the distribution manager and a hub of activity. I thought it would bug me, but it really doesn't. The only drawback is that it's really cold here and I don't have a phone, but other than that I have no complaints. In fact, being stowed away in a little corner like this has an almost "secure" type of feeling. I think I like being left off to do my own thing, only surfacing every now and then to show the product of my efforts. Besides, it does well to conceal just how easy this job is. :)

2002-08-18T03:25:00.000-07:00

So after many sessions of with my friend Marty, I decided that I wanted to get back into mixing music. I had started to fool around with it a while back, but sort of forgot about it. He's been teaching me the basics, and I figure that since I have this new souped up laptop from work, I might as well put it to use. I downloaded about a gigabyte worth of songs, and ripped some CDs I had, most of which I had no label. The very first song that came on was Delerium - Innocente. I don't feel like going into the details, but suffice it to say that the song brought back a rush of memories. Isn't it funny how songs can do that so easily?

One of the first conversations I usually have with people when I meet them is about music. I believe that we all have a soundtrack in our lives - music that plays in the background while we live, and I like to know what people's soundtracks are. Surprisingly, most people have a very narrow view of music. They are either all metal or all electronica, etc ... whereas I listen to a little bit of everything. I can't think of one genre of music that isn't on my soundtrack (except for country, maybe). This song, for instance, reminded me of Elena (who introduced me to it) and K-Bean, a good friend of mine who I discovered also liked Delerium while we were driving down Storrow Drive in Boston a few months ago on our way to the mall. Hearing the song, I can remember that weekend and every facet of my life at the time like it was yesterday. I think that's where the pain of memories comes in ... if they're really good, you get to live them for a moment but then they slowly being to slip away and be replaced by current reality when all you really want to do is stay in that one moment in time. I don't suppose there's a real point here ... after all, I keep learning the hard way that you can't live in the past. Still, it's a nice place to visit.

Anyway, there's my little late night deep thought for you ... I'm going to get back to the music. :)

2002-08-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a quiet night at home and I've been doing a bit of surfing and catching up on a lot of blogs. Some of people I know, and some of people I don't. I guess I was just in the mood to get inside other people's heads for a while. I've got to say, it makes me feel good to know that I'm not the only one out there who is trying to figure out how to play the game of life that we've all been thrust into.

When I was a kid, I was about three class years smarter than everyone else my age. Naturally, this made me "different" from everyone else, and the last thing you want to be when you're a kid is different. Marked as an outsider at a very early age, I had no real friends until my junior year of high school - and that's not an exaggeration. No friends. Throughout my childhood, it seems like all I was ever trying to do was fit in and the more I tried, the less I fit in. Add to that the bipolar, no siblings and crazy parents and it's plain to see that my foundation for social development was shaky at best. Despite what people think, I'm fully aware that I probably have the interpersonal skills of a 3-year old. And, I always vehemently claimed that I was a good and valuable person despite everything else. But, truth be told, I get doubtful at times ... when enough people don't want to be your friend, you start to wonder if anyone SHOULD want to be your friend.

What I saw tonight though (and would probably see all the time if I looked) is that there are people everywhere making the exact same mistakes as me. These are people that are liked and respected and loved (and have been all of their lives) and they're out there making asses out of themselves and pissing people off and making monster mistakes just like me. Not that I'm any better because there are OTHER people with the interpersonal skills of a 3-year old, but at least I know that there's nothing that makes them better than me. We can all fall to the same demons.

So, I'm a wreck ... but aren't we all?

I wanted to post that statement before I ended the "let's figure me out" string of posts I've had going lately. I was listening to Love Line the other night (it's something to fall asleep too ... fuck off :) ), and Dr. Drew made a comment to the effect of, "people who are introduced to mental illness early in life often have too much information on what's going on in their thoughts, and tend to overanalyze them for the rest of their lives..." I can't think of anyone that that statement applies to more than me. For as long as I can remember I've been trying too "figure it out" ... constantly thinking about everything I say and have said, often retracing my steps worrying if I did the "right" thing. I think though, that the real key is to not try at all.

I've got a great job and a great place to live. I've got great friends, even though they may scattered across the globe. I know that I'm personable and kind and attractive, and that I have the ability to draw people to me and that I can succeed at anything if I want to. I spend and hour a week with my doctor making sure that I'm not way out of bounds with the rest of the world, and I think that's enough. Life is good again, and I think the key to keeping it good is just to enjoy it and cherish it, and leave it at that. If I do that, I have a feeling that all of the other pieces might just fill themselves in.

I'll still be here, just focusing a little more on what I'm happy about, instead of unhappy about!

2002-08-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

I am having a sweet day so far. After talking with some more people last night, I have fully decided that the local Burning Man event will be an indoor party at my new house. I'm going to broadcast the webcast of the actual burn through all of the TV monitors and computer screens in the house, and do some other Burning Man themed decorations. Somehow, I'm going to put a large, lighted replica of the man on the roof ... still working out the logistics on that one. Also, I'm going to do some smaller versions that we can actually burn. Finally, I'm going to do/organize some fire spinning. Ever since I've started spinning, I've been a bit overshadowed by the better (and, admittedly, sexier) women that I know. Since they'll all be gone though, I have a chance to show my stuff. I've gotten pretty damn good, if I do say so myself!

I haven't hosted or been the major figure in a single event since arriving in San Diego, and I think it's time. That I can do it and have it be associated with Burning Man is just an awesome bonus. Add to that the fact there was minimal traffic on the way to work today AND that it was doughnut day in the office and you've got yourself a pretty happy guy. :)

I hope your week is ending with a smile.

2002-08-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling absolutely wonderful all afternoon, and just figured out why. For the first time, I feel a sense of closure to the experience I had over the past few months. Even as all of the main pieces of my life come falling back in to place, there have been two that were missing. One was the presence of Elena as my friend, the second was this need to prove that I was a good person. You see, for as much as I miss Elena, there is also this primal need to prove that I am not crazy or evil or any of the horrible things I have convinced myself that she (or anyone else) thinks I am. Of course, trying to prove this inevitably makes me look more crazy and more evil and the twisted thing is that I bet she doesn't even think 99% of the things I ascribe to her ... it's just my own pride and shame being projected on to her. But, the point is that I don't have to wonder what she'd think "if she knew me now". Now I know she always has the chance and can put it to rest.

If I were her, I would tell me to let it go ... which is exactly what I'm going to do.

2002-08-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

I’m almost at the end of my first full week of work in ages, and it can’t get here fast enough! The unemployment department screwed up my check when I moved, so I still haven’t gotten it and it’s thrown me all off. I’m someone who finds it very hard to be out in the world without any money. I like to know that I’m prepared for whatever may be thrown at me, and when I don’t have that security it tends to make me a bit uneasy. I once read that the legal definition of a vagrant in New York is someone who didn’t have access to $11.00 if asked to provide proof to a cop. So, by that definition, I’m a vagrant. Yet, I’ve been showing up every day to a job where I make that much money every 20 minutes – do you see why it’s an odd juxtaposition? Oh, probably not (just me being weird)… but I suppose I should stop worrying about it. It’s only a few more days and then I won’t ever have to worry about it again. Come on first paycheck!!! :)

In other news, almost everyone I know is getting ready for Burning Man (yes, including Elena). After the whole fiasco with Elena, Marty and Elaine, I decided that I shouldn’t even bother with the notion of going, but I’m definitely going to miss not being on the Playa this year. However, I’m trying to organize something local for anyone else who might be in my shoes, so I’m hoping that will at least temper the disappointment. I’ve gotten quite a bit of interest so far, so I think it will be a good experience and, at the very least, expose me to lots of good people. It feels good to at least be generating a little Playa energy! It will be touch while everyone is away, and admittedly tougher knowing that Elena will be doing her first Burning Man without me. I won’t even get to hear the stories!

I had a wonderful session with my shrink on Tuesday. I don’t care whether you’ve got all of your emotions under control or stay up night praying to your Charles Manson altar, I think everyone should have a shrink. Friends are wonderful, but there are just certain things that you cannot and should not share with people. In the past, I thought crossing that line was a sign of trust and love. What I came to find out is that it was only one more way to make myself vulnerable and scare people away. But, with my shrink, there is no shame or fear or hesitation, and we actually have a really good time talking about all sorts of stuff. He’s like a really good friend without any baggage.

So anyway, we were talking about how much my life has changed over the past few months and how I’ve managed to lift myself back up to where I started and what an amazing thing that was. And you know what, IT IS AMAZING. I rock. There are a lot of people out there in this world that think I’m all kinds of crazy and full of all sorts of shit and I can’t lie and say that I’m so Zen as to not let those things bother me, but I am one strong individual and for that I am proud of myself. The irony is that no matter how much I prove to myself that I don’t need anyone else the more I want other people. According to my shrink, it’s a good thing that my mind is now focusing on some of the more normal things about life (like relationships) and not having to deal with a crisis every day.

One of the main topics of conversation with the good doctor was Elena (yes, she is still very present in my mind). As I was driving to work on Tuesday, I was so deep in thought about her that I missed my exit. I couldn’t stop thinking about her all day, so I sent her an e-mail that said simply, “I miss you.” (I didn’t get a response). By the time I got to the doctor, the only question on my mind was, why, after getting everything else in order and feeling really good, was I still so hung up on Elena. That’s when we got to the part about it being a good thing that I was starting to long for “normal” things and looking to the future. When my life was a never-ending crisis there really wasn’t much time for me to truly miss her because I was too busy worrying about everything that I needed to take care of. Now that the routine is back to normal, she has come flooding back into my thoughts. I even reached absently for my cell phone (which I longer have) to call her on my way to work because that used to be our daily ritual.

What is her hold on me? I think it becomes a matter of pride and of shame. Were I a different person, I could come up with a million and one reasons why it’s good thing that we’re not friends anymore. She’s definitely not been perfect and she’s certainly done a lot of things that have really hurt me. Yet, I know that she could say the same thing about me … that’s where the shame comes in. I think she thinks that I am either incredibly crazy, incredibly unstable, or incredibly manipulative and for some reason it is important to me to make her realize that I am none of those things … that’s where the pride comes in. She once thought I was the light of her life, and now she looks down on me with fear and scorn. Am I wrong to be so affected by that?

I’ve been bouncing back and forth between two unattainable goals. On the one hand, I’ve been trying to restore what was once one of the best friendships I have ever had. By virtue of everything that has happened, I expect that that’s an impossible goal at this point. On the other hand, I’ve been trying to completely forget about the same person. By virtue of my heart, that’s an impossible task as well. I suppose the only solution is to find a way to carry the good memories and let them add to my life as opposed to letting the loss take away from it. Still, it seems such a shame. Fuck, she only lives 5 minutes away. The only other people I care about as much all live on the East Coast or in Japan and they were the ONLY ones for about 5 years. Believe me people, I am very picky when it comes to close friends. Perhaps the reason I'm so hesitant to grab on is because I have such a hard time letting go.

2002-08-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Me again. So, it appears that the first day of work is a bit slow ... to be expected I suppose, but tedious nonetheless. The upside is that once things get settled, I think I'm going to like my job here. Of course, that's a bold statement to make after the first 7 hours, so don't read too much into it. What I mean to say is that from what I can tell about what I'll be doing so far, I think it will be interesting and challenging, which is all I really need from a job.

I've been toying with the idea of sending out the link to this site to a few friends (Elena included). I want them to know how I feel and what I'm thinking ... at least this very small subset of people - I would prefer to remain anonymous to everyone else. On the other hand, I'm afraid that knowing who is reading would tempt to slant what I write for the benefit of the reader as opposed to being a true place for me. I think that, on a subconscious level at least, I've let myself fall into that trap before with disasterous results. Truth be told, I think it's a defense mechanism ... it's a lot easier to to send out faceless words into the either, shielded behind a mask of tiny little bits of data than it is to just walk up to someone and say the really difficult stuff. And it's only the really difficult stuff that ever makes any difference.

2002-08-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

Reason #128 to maintain a blog or some other method of tracking your thoughts:

I just read down through my old posts, and remembered a lot of things about Elena that I had somehow forgotten in the midst of missing her today. Granted, the good things are probably exaggerated and the bad things are probably overdramatized, but the truth lies somewhere in the middle. It wasn't all good and it wasn't all bad, and it wasn't a friendship of years and years and I certainly managed to get by for the 25 years before I met her. So, nothing to worry about.

All right, so none of what I just said has made me miss her any less today ... but damn if it doesn't look good on paper!

2002-08-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

Yee-haw! I am WORKING! As I type this, I am sitting in my office (I can't remember the last time I actually had my own office) surrounded by file cabinets and all the normal office stuff and staring into the screen of a shiny new laptop. It feels so good to be doing something again, even if all I'm really doing today is getting organized and set-up. For as good as I am at slacking, I have to admit that there's a part of me that really does love to work ... must be some hidden work-ethic gene. The prospect of an impending paycheck also makes it that much sweeter. I went to have a cigarette this morning and caught myself figuring out how much I had made in the couple of hours I had worked. Okay, so I'm a little obsessive ... or, is it just excited?

Still, today has been personally tough. I have not been able to get my mind off of Elena all day. When I was working at my last job, I used to call her from my cell phone every morning on the way to work, and we would have our start-of-the-day chat. Then, we'd e-mail back and forth throughout the course of the day ... it was just kind of a rhythmic habit. I think it was easier to detach from the memory of her because the routine of my life was so drastically different. Now that it's resembles what it used to be, so do my memories of that period ... memories that sting. I'll never know the answers to all of the tough questions - even though I've spent hours trying to figure them out. Maybe I was no good for her. Maybe she was no good for me. Maybe we could have been best friends forever. Maybe we were friends too long. Maybe, maybe, maybe ... there's so much uncertainty and yet there's one unquestionable constant. I miss her, and it makes me sad.

I just read down and noticed that my last entry was similar. I guess she's been on my mind a lot lately. In truth, I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I am so envioud of those people who can keep emotional distance ... who can be hard to the world around them and never let themselves get affected. When things are going well, I scorn them for their apathy, but at times like these I pray for their emotional indifference. I wonder if she's going through any of the same feelings as I am or if I am already a distant memory of a time she'd rather forget. On second thought, maybe I don't want to know the answer to that question at all ... I'm the one who has stood up and said, "this won't do", to which she silently disappeared. Was I correct in my judgment then or was I being too harsh? Is the pain I feel now just longing for love lost or is it remorse for a decision made too quickly? Whatever it is ... when does it cease?

Anyway, I've made $166.25 so far ... back to work! :)

2002-08-07T12:21:00.000-07:00

I realized today that my recent restlessness hasn't been so much from anxiety, but rather from general boredom. I'ts been so long since there wasn't some crisis (even if minor) that had to be tended to immeidately in my life, that I'm unused to having free time. Although I've been keeping busy with my secret indulgence (see below), spinning, and getting settled it is definitely times like these when I miss Elena the most. This week of free time with no gloom hanging overhead would have been a great opportunity for us to have fun - and having fun is something we used to be really good at. It makes me sad to think of where things have ended up.

Anyway ... happier thoughts. HARRY POTTER! I am fast becoming a Harry Potter addict, which is a frightening thing since there aren't that many books and they take only a few hours to read. However, I have found that there is an extraordinary pleasure in smoking a fat bowl, getting comfortable and reading Harry Potter. Just as I think the Simpsons is designed with the stoner in mind, I think Harry Potter was written to appeal to that slightly altered state. It's simply too easy to get drawn into that world and laugh. I dunno, maybe it's just me ... :)

2002-08-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

Now that I've pretty much finished getting the major things taken care of (job/home), I find myself feeling restless and ancy. I think part of it is just general uneasiness at being in a new place. I don't want to disturb anybody, etc ... or overstep my bounds. This will just take a while to get over I'm sure. In the meantime, I've been wandering around the neighborhood, immensly enjoying the fact that I can see the ocean down every cross street. The ladder that was serving as roof access has been removed, and since it goes through someone else's bedroom (who is home), I don't want to cause a ruckus setting it up at the moment. Still, I can't wait to get up on that roof and spin ... it's been a while since I've spun fire, and I think I'm due ... I'm getting pretty good at the new moves I learned, and I think it will soon be time to take them to fire. Can you think of a better way to christen my new home? Me neither.

2002-08-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

Wow. There aren't any words to describe how much better life has gotten in the past week. It's one of those feelings that is so good, that it's almost impossible to believe that it's true ... I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it never does. I got the job ... I was supposed to start yesterday, but the CEO went on a last minute business trip, so I'll start next Monday. This is OK because I still have my last disability check to look forward too, and now I have a week to move without feeling pressured about a job. Wait! What's that you say? Move? That's right kiddies ... I even managed to get my living situation squared away better than I ever expected! I moved down to within 2 blocks of the beach into this awesome split level room, with a couch/chill area on the bottom and the bed in a loft. The house is moved into is sweet as well, with everyone being of a really good vibe. And the women down here ... Oh my God! The last part of town I lived in was great, but it was also predominantly gay ... not a great place for a single straight guy to meet women. But they're all over the place down here and all of them gorgeous. Oh yes, many adventures on the horizon.

Suddenly, everything has changed. I feel hopeful again ... dare I say, excited even.

2002-07-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

Hmm ... I bet you might have gotten nervous after that last post and then having me disappear for a week! Well, have no fear my faceless (and, as yet nonexistent) following ... I am here and trudging along just fine. Unfortunately, I've pawned just about everything I own at this point which includes my lovely computer, so I'm relegated to infrequent access courtesy of the local public library.

However, just because I haven't posted does not mean that the week has been uneventful. First, I had to tell my landlord that I wouldn't be moving out on the date I promised (despite the fact that eviction papers have already been served). Instead, I told him I needed a couple more weeks to handle some interviews I had scheduled. He's pissed ... the guy who was supposed to move into my apartment is pissed ... the guy who was supposed to move into THAT guy's apartment is pissed, and on and on. And me, I feel horrible. But, I knew that I needed to do it or else I'd really have no shot at anything. As it turns out, my selfishness may soon be rewarded! I interviewed today for a job that I really want, and the recruiter who set it up has already told me that the company has expressed a strnog interest in me. I should have a formal offer by tomorrow afternoon. The best part is that it pays almost 40% more than my last job. It's a crazy world I tell ya!

For now, I sit alone in my apartment and read ... absent a computer or TV or anything else meaningful. I'm down to my last $15 and squirreling it away as best I can. I certainly know how to stretch life to its limits. But in a couple of weeks, everything will be different again. New. Better. A chance to not make the same mistakes again ... in a lot of things.

2002-07-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

I am evicted from my apartment as of 8/1.
I'll be lucky if they don't repossess my car before then.
I don't have a job.
I have interviews, but they're not until next week.
I have $26 to my name.

Is there any way this can lead to happy ending? :(

2002-07-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

You know, I should probably mention that things came to a head with Elena yesterday. After the call in the morning, she came over in the afternoon to pick up a CD. She was only here for five minutes, but it was five minutes too long. In that space of time, she managed to accuse me of purposely going with Marty and Elaine in some attempt to manipulate the situation and mimic the actions of a very good friend of hers who passed away last year. Then, she turned and walked out the door without giving me a chance to respond.

Needless to say, I was a bit thrown. I had an appointment to meet a potential roommate (the place I'm actually going to take) after Elena left, so I spent the entire time thinking about it. When I got home, I sent her this e-mail:

Dear Elena -

I am incredibly empathetic to what you're feeling regarding Peter, so I want you to know that I'm not angry or upset. Still, what you did this afternoon was really not cool. Both for the implication that I am somehow so twisted that I would use such a grim anniversary in a negative way, and for just dropping that and running out the door before I could respond. Neither of which was really fair, and both were hurtful.

Just so you know where *I'm* at - I had completely written off the idea of going to Burning Man. I saw Marty last week, and found out that he wasn't going either. After talking about it for quite some time, it was apparent that we both weren't going for the same reasons ... no money, and not wanting to deal with the [other BM theme camp]. He said that he still might go, but that if he did he would be deciding at the last minute. When he said that, I said that if he did indeed decide to go at the last minute and wanted someone to go with, that should give me a call because there was a chance I might be able to go as well, but also wouldn't know until the last minute. We left it at that.

I went back over there to hang out on Friday night (after you and I talked, in which conversation I told you all of the above), and he told me that you had been by earlier in the day. He said that you guys had discussed Burning Man and that he was getting more fired up about it ... especially since he got the impression that you were counting on he and Elaine going this year. I was shocked to hear that you had talked to Marty and Elaine about going after you already knew that I had spoken to them. Part of the reason I was so excited in talking with Marty is that the option of going with them removed all of the hassles of dealing with the [other BM theme camp] and with you. I assumed (correctly, as it turns out), that if I went to Burning Man at all, you would want nothing to do with it. I thought you were going with the [other BM theme camp], which meant I would be safe going with Marty and Elaine. Since you knew I had already spoken to Marty and Elaine and then went and saw them the next day, I figured (incorrectly) that you wouldn't mind if our plans crossed.

On Friday night, Marty brought up the idea of the four of us going together. I didn't know whether he came up with this on his own, or it developed from a conversation with you. In either case, I figured he would have had to have mentioned it you at some point. We still agreed to be thinking about it and left it loose. I woke up on Saturday, and was getting more excited about going. I figured out what I could in terms of costs, and what I would be making from this job I'm hoping to get, and decided that if I got this job this week, I would find a way to pull it off. That's why I sent the e-mail ... I wanted all of us to be thinking about it, I wanted to let you know that I was serious about trying to go, and I wanted to let you know that I did not have a problem with camping with you. That's it, end of story. No devious plots or master manipulations ...

I'd like to say that I forgive your performance this afternoon because I know you're upset about Peter, but I know that it goes deeper than that. It's a rough time for you, so I'm not going to hold it against you, but this is just one of many things that I've gotten from you that really show how negative your perception of me is. Ever since I got out of the hospital, it's like you've been searching for reasons to vilify me. Somewhere along the way, you either decided that I was a horrible person, or that you needed to believe I was a horrible person in order to keep some sort of distance that you think you need. Whatever the reason, I can't tell you how sorry I am that you feel that way. As sorry as I am that Peter died, I can't help but see the irony in you mourning him while doing everything you can to push me away. Because he died, you will never forget his good. Because I am alive, you will never remember mine.

All of that being said, I'm at the end of my rope. I miss you terribly ... our friendship was one of the most special of my life. Even now, after you have been so cold for so long, I still see that magic in you and have tried to be as understanding as possible because I knew you were worth it. But I just keep getting hurt by you, and its (for once!) not because of anything I'm doing or that I can change. It's just because of how you feel about me. I wish that I could change that, but I can't. If you ever want to look at me with fresh eyes again, then please get in touch with me. If not, then I think it's best if we just stay completely out of each other's lives. It's much harder to have someone you care about look down on you than to have them not look at you at all.

As for Marty and Elaine ... I really like them. They're the first people I've reached out to in friendship since my whole ordeal, and they've just been awesome. If it all works out, I also still fully intending on going with them to Burning Man. I'm sorry that it hits so close to home in reference to Peter, but I promise you from the bottom of my heart that it was not intentional ... I didn't even know about last year's plans. Please do not sabotage this for me. My friendship with them is entirely for me and has nothing to do with you.

I'm really sorry that everything worked out this way ... you know it's not what I wanted.

-me

I think this letter was completely appropriate, honest, and healthy. I know that she won't ... that she'll find something in there that makes me a demon ... and it bugs the shit out of me. But, I'll get over it - and I'll definitely get over her.

2002-07-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

Alright ... another day off to a good start. I found a place to live! I went and checked it out yesterday, and although it's not the Ritz, it's within my price range, and a really decent place. The girl I'll be living with is 22 and seems incredibly nice. She's attractive enough that I'm not ashamed to say that I live with her, but not so attractive that I'd be tempted to sleep with her right away and cause more problems for myself. :) She's got an awesome Akita to boot ... I have missed having a pet around, and I think I'll like living with a big dog again.

Now I've just got to get a job!!! HELP!

2002-07-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

Well, a mixed morning so far on this beautiful Tuesday. I had a really great meeting with a recruiting I have been speaking to. He and I really clicked and I get the impression he's going to be a great advocate for me as I desperately try to find a job. Then Elena and I spoke, and she was talking about all sorts of stuff and then it hit me - she really could care less about me. It wasn't anything she said, or the way she said it, it was just a whole bunch of things I have known all along coming together all at once. It hit me so hard, I almost started crying.

If you only knew how much I have done and devoted to this woman ... to be treated so cold by her now ... it would make you as angry as it makes me sad. Is it that people are not what they seem, or is it that I see people as I want them to be? A little bit of both, I suspect.

*sigh*

2002-07-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, Meet My Folks is officially the best new show on TV. I haven't laughed that hard in a looooonnnngggggg time!

2002-07-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Good morning! Today begins a productive week, I can feel it. I am determined to get my job/living stuff taken care of this week so that I can focus on my new goal of moving forward, and making Burning Man happen. I KNOW that I can do this, so I just have to get going and do it. It's all about the power of positive thinking.

I got an e-mail this morning from a friend of Elena's ... just asking how I was, etc ... I was really shocked. See, this woman used to be a friend of both ours, but when I got sick, she and her boyfriend were very instrumental in getting Elena to abandon me. Why would she contact me? Why would she say that she wanted to see how I was doing? I'm not sure what my response is yet. I talked to Elena yesterday and I could hear her crying. I don't think she was crying because of me, but it was a reminder to me that I'm not involved in her life anymore, and therefore there could be a whole lot of really gnarly stuff going on beneath the surface that I'm not aware of. In other words ... maybe I'm being hard on her. Maybe I'm being hard on other people too.

Where is the line between compassion and stupidity. How much is too much forgiveness, and how much is not enough? I don't hold grudges, and I don't stay mad at people, but I've always felt like I should, because if I don't then I'm letting them walk all over me. Then, I either end up being too nice or too mean.

Eh, I'm just babbling ... it will all work itself out.

2002-07-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

I tried to find the file online and couldn't, but I wanted to mention that there's a new M&Ms commercial that made me laugh out loud. There's a pinata and a birthday party and when the pinata is burst, the two M&Ms fall out and the punchline is given, "That's the last time I fall asleep in Tijuana."

It's probably funnier in person.

In other news, Elena is playing games again ... Why can't I bring myself to just give up on this one?

2002-07-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an excellent day for me. Very low key, but I got a lot accomplished in the way of personal success. One of my favorite hobbies is spinning poi. If you're not familiar with what that is, there is some great information on it here. In fact, making and selling poi was the business that I was going to start that never happened. Anyway, I was able to "get" several moves that I had been working on for months yesterday. It's funny how when you get over one obstacle, there's a domino effect of accomplishments right behind it. Getting just one thing I had been working on unlocked the secret of a few others.

So, that was awesome. Although, I did spin so much that I gave myself a wicked blister. After that, I took a nap and then went over to the friends' apartment that I was talking about in my previous post. We had fun just hanging out and talking about Burning Man. Due to my situation, I had already written off the idea of going this year. But, I'm realizing that I don't need to write it off yet - I just need to wait until the last minute. If I can go, I can go ... If not, no loss. This couple may going last minute as well, so it might work out nice.

Here's the thing. I told Elena about this the other day, and it turns out that she went over to Marty and Elaine's (the friends) yesterday before me and was talking with them about going too. I knew Elena was going, but she never mentioned an interest in going with Marty and Elaine, so I was surprised to hear that she was now talking to them. In fact, Marty made mention that it might be cool if the four of just go as our own separate group.

To be honest, I love that idea. Marty and Elaine are people that I know I would like to camp with, and I've wanted to go with Elena ever since last year. This is going to be her first year, and I always wanted it to be something we experienced together. The thing is, Elena has been weird to me ever since I got out of the hospital. We don't hang out, and if we do get a couple of moments together it always seems as though she is really trying to keep her distance. It's that distance, I think, that largely impacts the way I see her now. She is not the same person to me as she once was, although I really wish we could get back to that point. Up until now, I thought I was the only one that wanted that. So, you see why her going to Marty and Elaine has me a little confused. I figured she would have wanted me as far away as possible if we both ended up going.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

2002-07-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

I had such a great day yesterday. Not great in that everything went perfectly, but great in that, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was living a normal life again.

First, I spent time with the friend I spoke of earlier. For convenience, let's call her Elena. The history of Elena and I is that we were best friends who then became intimate. Somewhere along the way we fell in love, although we both tacitly refused to acknowledge the true ramifications of those feelings. And then, the bottom fell out of me. I got sick, and Elena disappeared from my life. At first, I was angry and resentful that she abandoned me. Over time though, I came to understand where she was coming from in her feelings and was able to let the anger and resentment go and really wanted her back in my life. Slowly, we have begun hanging out again.

The funny thing is, that as I get to know her again, I find myself incredibly turned off by her. She is shallow and full of herself and completely oblivious to the world around her unless it directly impacts her or gives her an opportunity to shine. Ever since the movie High Fidelity came out, I have sworn that John Cusack's character is a mirror image of myself. Ironically, Elena is exactly like the character of Charlie (played by Catherine Zeta-Jones), and the dynamic of the relationship is exactly the same. The first time around, I was enthralled and enchanted by everything that she did or said - but after stepping away (by force), and then going back and taking a second look, the facade that it really is is so much more exposed.

Don't get me wrong ... I still think that Elena is cool, and is a good person at heart, and I hope that we remain good friends for a long time. But, I realize know who she really is, and not only what I wanted her to be and that changes what I want and expect from our relationship. She is someone you hang out with and have some laughs ... not someone you share an emotional intimacy with. Both roles are critical in anyone's life, but it's also vital to know the difference.

On the job front, I got hooked up with a really great contact and now have two very good leads working, both of them at or above what I was making in my previous job. It makes me feel good to have my self-worth reinforced. I'd been actively looking at jobs that would have been more than a 50% paycut, because I didn't think I could get anything else. After a while, it's not hard to think that everything you've done so far was only a fluke. It's nice to see that it wasn't.

And finally, I spent a wonderful evening with two really great people. I don't spend nearly enough time with them, but every time I do I walk away with a smile on my face. Dinner, bong hits, chat about movies and music and laughter all around. It was just ... easy. I haven't been able to relax like that in a long time. Why is it that we subconsciously favor the challenges in life instead of things that are just easy? The more I believe that things are going to work out, the more it seems that they will.

2002-07-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

Hmm ... the very first entry. I almost don't know where to begin. Scratch that - there's really no "almost" about it! Right now, I'm the in the process of trying to find a job and it's an absolute nightmare. Despite the fact that I have a lot of experience doing what I do, and that I'm really good at it, I've been searching unsuccessfully for over a month. The prospect of being homeless is one that is not completely out the realm of possibility and it's something that my brain is having a hard time wrapping itself around. Three months ago, I was making $60,000 a year and didn't have a care in the world. Life certainly is a roller coaster, eh?

So, how did I get into this mess? Good question. Well, there are two main reasons. The first is that I have Bipolar Disorder (commonly known as Manic-Depression). Forget everything you've seen or read about this disease on TV or in the movies; what is shown there is usually not an accurate representation of the majority of sufferers. I am pretty normal in every way, except that I am prone to sometimes feeling extremely depressed or extremely happy. Without medication, I make poor and impulsive choices ... with it, I do just fine. Either way though, you won't find me roaming the streets claiming to be Jesus.

The second reason is that I fell in love. 'Nuff said about that one for now.

Anyway, I decided one day to quit my job and start a business with my best friend (who was the woman I fell in love with). I had no backup plan, no savings ... no outs. I just went into work one day and quit. The business never got off the ground and I ruined the friendship with some really outlandish behavior while in the throws of my Bipolar. Everything came to a head and I found myself attempting suicide in my closet. Thankfully, I made it to a hospital and was able to restabilize.

That was a month ago. Today, I find myself stable and ready to pick up my life again. The friend ended up abandoning me when I needed her most, so she is no longer a major part of my life. I can't find a job, so I am constantly preoccupied with money worries. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a large mountain. I have to climb every day, and there's no chance for rest or anyone to keep me company along the way.

Now, you might think that I'm also at the emotional bottom as well. In reality, I happen to be doing quite well in that department. Despite all of the obstacles life has presented me lately, I wake up every day feeling optimistic. This is just a phase in my life ... another jumping off point to a future that is yet to be determined. Today I must fight, but tomorrow I will be able to celebrate victory.

Welcome to my life.